Sunday, December 13, 2009


Tiger Woods must feel bad! He must show us that he feels bad in many public acts of contrition! He must lower his walls and allow us to investigate his life and judge him for his indiscretions! He shall grovel before us, The Public, and beg forgiveness for his sins.
Why? Every article on Tiger now that isn’t on TMZ is turning its focus on how Tiger can salvage his image. How can Tiger come back from this horrible setback? Most agree he must go on television, give interviews, cry on Orpah. And nearly all have written his script for him already. So many articles say, “Tiger should go on television and say this, ‘I am so sorry. I have disappointed my mother and myself. I love my wife very much and…blah, blah, blah.’ When he does that, the Public will be on their way to forgiving him.” But, if/when he does that those same spaces will be filled with people disbelieving him. “Tiger didn’t sound very sincere to me.” Gee, really? Ya think?
Tiger needs to apologize to his wife. That is an understatement. Tiger does not need to apologize to me. The fake concern that everyone is showing is not about his private life, which he has managed to keep very, very private and because of that we know little about until now, but is instead about his commercial life. That computer generated golfer on the razor commercial had mistresses! Well, then I am certainly not buying those shaving-aids! No sir. I have standards. That’s why I shop at Walmart.
Tiger Woods is a golfer. Perhaps the greatest ever. Certainly one of the most dominant athletes in any sport in history. Jordan-level. Gretzky-level. But I seem to have missed that extra patch on his green jacket that reads, “Also World’s Greatest Husband.” Must be on the inside somewhere.
I’ve maintained many times that our expectation level of celebrity, especially athletes, is higher than any normal person can hope to achieve. I think it is so high on purpose, that way they are certain to fall at some point. Tiger was special. He was on everybody’s This Guy Will Never Be Involved In A Scandal list. Tim Tebow and Peyton Manning also belong on that list. (Seriously, how much would you love/be shocked by “Peyton Manning Involved in Prostitution Ring” and “Tebow Accused of Dealing Heroin” headlines? How long would that story have legs? Two months? Four?) We are shocked! Overly shocked. Hyperbolically shocked. Hypocritically shocked. A famous person slept around! Oh golly gee, what will the children think?
Imagine if Tiger played basketball or football and this same thing happened. Suddenly not so shocking. Imagine he was a musician. Steve Tyler cheated on his wife! *Gasp!* Why was the standard set so high for Tiger? Because he was so ensconced in his own Cone of Silence. He never gave interviews and always wanted his privacy. How dare he be famous for something that doesn’t involve talking and not talk to us. Ha! How the mighty have fallen! We’ve got you now!
Here’s what I think Tiger should do: Ignore us. Skip a tourney to beg forgiveness from his wife. Then do what he does best, win golf games. Win a major or two. We will forget. Remember how we loathed A-Rod for the pictures? No? The World Series hero? Never. Remember Stone Cold beat his wife? No? The WWE champ? Never. You think I could go on forever. You’re right.
The Public doesn’t care about morality. The Public wants to look like we care about morality. You’re an athlete. Do your job. Win. Win and we will forgive you. Like you need our forgiveness.

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