Friday, December 17, 2010

Dear America, (A To Do List While I'm Away)

Dear America,

-Could you please get rid of Don't Ask, Don't Tell? I'm tired of reading about it in the papers, tried of people trying desperately to justify how it might hurt our fighting ability, and tired of the defenders of the Land of the Free not actually being, you know, FREE. (Really, you should get over yourselves and let the gays marry already too. I'm looking at you, Hawaii. This is bullshit.)
-Could you also please pass the 9/11 First Responders Bill? It's disgusting that it hasn't happened yet. These people are sick and dying and not getting any help and you are bickering about tax cuts for the upper 1%. Which reminds me...
-Fuck the Rich. Fuck them in their stupid asses. They should be paying more taxes. These rich, white mutherfuckers do not need the Bush era tax cuts. I realize I'm behind the eight ball on this because the Dems already pussyed up, but still.
-Get rid of the Jersery Shore people's fame. Their fifteen minutes has to be up by now, why haven't they gone away? Why is one of them, The DoucheNozzle I think he's called, on the cover of Men's Fitness? This is insulting for all of us.
-Stop. Making. 3D. Movies. Just stop it. I blame James Cameron for bringing it back, and it was pretty cool in Avatar, I have to admit. But it's over now. It's been over for six months. When I get back I don't want to be offered $15 glasses so I can leave the movie with vertigo and a headache.
-The Palin should be eaten by a bear and her crew should catch it on film and the 24 hour news networks should loop it at least until my plane lands. That's not so much a To Do as it is a Christmas wish, but it belongs on the list.
-This one is for the parents. Parents, Holiday break does not mean its time for your kids to not read, write, or do math for three weeks. Their brains are little Etch-A-Sketches right now and if they shake too hard all the things we've been trying to draw will go away. Get the child a book for Christmas and watch them read it. Then ask them real questions about it. Make them do running totals in the supermarket. Anything to keep those little brains off life support.
-Don't go see the new Fockers movie. It only encourages them to make movies based solely on how the title will read on the poster.
-Leave Mike Vick alone. He went to jail for his crime, get off his back. There are plenty of potential felons actively playing today to jump on. Here's hoping he makes it deep enough into the playoffs to be torpedoed by Andy Reid's horrible decision making. And while we're on the subject of the NFL, stop carrying on about it being a "man's sport" and how the guys are "gladiators." Fuck that. Where are the lions on the field then? That'll screw up Brady's pass protection. The NFL should stop talking about an 18 game regular season and stop giving lip service to helmet to helmet hits and concussions. NFL Cares needs to be a real thing. Also, while I'm gone I'd like at least one Sure Thing to fall completely apart. And I'd like the Favre to announce his retirement, then have his leg cut off by his riding tractor after he falls beneath it while fainting from the shock of Jen Sterger serving him with a lawsuit.
-I'd like Phillies fans to crow just a little bit louder about their pitching line-up because that will make them losing in the first or second round all the sweeter.
-At least two good bands should book shows on Oahu for the coming year. Someone I care about and who isn't so old my parents could have gone to see them when they were my age.
-And a small part of me would be really amused if Facebook completely crashed after we spent the entire year worshiping Zuckerberg. So, even though I enjoy the Facebook, that would be neat.
Ok, America. I realize there are a lot of things on this list that you need to get done and you only have three weeks to do them, but I believe you can. This is a lot of responsibility I'm leaving with you while I'm away. New Zealand is going to be asking about you and I'm going to tell them about all the wonderful things you're getting done without my supervision.

Love and Kisses,

P.S. Really, DADT and the 9/11 Bill would be a great start. And the Palin/bear thing. Thanks.

1 comment:

  1. I forgot one other thing. It's not really a To Do, but it belongs on a big list like this: Fuck Cancer. Those of you who know, fight through that shit. Another one of America's To Dos is to help you out.