Wednesday, February 10, 2010

A Little Bit Gay

Everyone’s a little bit gay.

Let me explain, using myself as Test Subject Alpha. I am, I admit, a little bit gay. I care what color some things are. I like to take care of myself. Target can be fun. I will, sometimes, talk to you about your feelings. I love (lovelovelove) show tunes. I’ve seen Elton John in concert. And I’m sure the list goes on.
I realize that these are huge gender/sexual stereotypes and generalizations. If that offends you, stop reading now. Click away.
Are they gone? Good. What a bunch of uptight squares, can’t take a joke. Bitches. We hate them.
Everyone needs to be a little bit gay. Think of the manliest guy you know. If he’s not at least a little bit gay, he’s also boring. Think of the girliest girl you know. If she’s not a little bit gay no one can stand her. You’ve got to have some cross-gender characteristics if you want to get along in this world. I’m not saying sex. If you like sex with the same gender, then you’re not a little bit gay. There is no “little bit” of penetration, no matter what that guy said. We can all agree. Nod. Ok, thanks.
So here’s the theory’s corollary: In order to be happy with your partner, you have to find someone who is a little bit gay in the opposite direction you are a little bit gay. Guys, you have to find a girl who is as masculine as you are feminine. Girls, you have to find a man as girly as you are manly. Gay people…I’m not sure how you’d do the math. Something about Butch vs Lipstick or something (Wow, could that have been more offensive? Yes.). This works according to my untested, unpublished, rarely discussed, possibly heinous, and completely improvable All Things Balance Somehow Someway Sometime Theory. You know you’re nodding right now. You know that kinda makes sense.
Be proud to be a little bit gay. When some girl walks by and says she wishes she were liked more and you think, or say, “Popular. You’re gonna be pop-u-lar,” raise your hand up with your fingers and inch apart and say, “Little bit gay.” When you say, “We’re going to start at the very beginning. It’s a very good place to start,” to your class when giving directions then think to yourself, “Little bit gay.” If you watched the Big Game with the boys and got really into it, “Little bit gay.”
We should be part of the parade. Holding up a big banner, “LITTLE BIT GAY.” How confused would everyone be? We need to determine a Gay Percentage so that we know when you’re too gay to get married. Or serve in the military. Or vote, no wait, they can still do that. Damn gay voters! We’ll get them yet.
Go find your Little Bit Gay match at (By the way, if that’s a real website then I take no responsibility for you trying to access it from work. You’re on your own.)
Be a little bit gay. It’s ok. It’s better than being a lotta bit uptight. (By the way, I really wanted to make a Republican/Palin joke here to end on but I couldn't come up with one that worked and didn't kill the fun. God, even in blogs she's a buzzkill.)


  1. Just write the Palin joke on your hand and say it later.

  2. Not a real website, but the domain name is available for purchase should you like it to become one. Just talk to Danika at Go Daddy.