Dirtbag Ramblings

How They Named It: NC Edition

2011-06-28T17:59:00.000-07:00

[Scene: BOARDROOM. Four BUSINESS MEN sitting around a table. The BOSS sits at the head of the table. A PRODUCT PITCHMAN stands at the far end of the table next to a veiled placard]

BOSS: Ok, what is the next big thing we will be releasing on the unsuspecting public? What are we selling today?

PRODUCT PITCHMAN: Sir, I think you will be very pleased with this. We've been working very hard on it and are quite proud of it.

B: Enough with the set-up. Get on with it. I've got a lunch meeting to get to.

PP: Yes, sir. Gentlemen, what we have developed is the kitchen tool cooks everywhere have been waiting for. This product will make available and easy many of the recipes the common household cook has never yet been able to prepare.

B: Lunch meeting.

PP: Gentlemen, have you ever tried to mash almonds or walnuts? What about peanuts, cashews, or pecans? Have you made almond-crusted salmon? Pecan pie? Chili con Cashew? Home-made peanut butter? What a pain! What a mess. No longer! Not with this!
[WITH FLOURISH, PP UNVEILS PLACARD EXPOSING...]

Real product! No Foolin'!

[ALL FOUR BUSINESS MEN MUTTER IN SURPRISE. BUSINESS MAN #1 CHUCKLES UNDER HIS BREATH. BOSS SHOOTS TABLE STERN LOOK AND ALL QUIET.]

BOSS: So it's called the...

PP: Nut Chopper, sir! It chops nuts.

B: Does it?

PP: [enthusiastically] Yes, sir! Chops them right up. Nothing chops nuts like the Nut Chopper! Just put your nuts in there and the Nut Chopper will grind them right up!

BUSINESS MAN #1: I don't know. I've got some awful big nuts.

PP: The Nut Chopper can handle any size nut. I've personally tested this product myself with my very own nuts.

BM #2: Sometimes my nuts can get pretty hard. Would that be a problem?

PP: Not at all. The Nut Chopper handles hard nuts as well as older, softer nuts. Though that does sometimes result in a thick paste.

[BM #2 SUDDENLY BEGINS LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY AND RUNS FROM ROOM]

PP: Hmm, I wonder what his problem is.

B: [not amused] I can't imagine. So, did you, er, field test many names before you settled on, er...

PP: The Nut Chopper? No, sir. We thought about a few other names. The Nut Grinder was in the running for a while.

[ASIDE- BM#1 TO BM#3]- My ex-wife would buy that!

PP:A few people really loved Nut Muncher. And The Nut Master was in the running for a while there, too. Nuternator was also kicked around. [BM #1 AND #3 FALL TO FLOOR LAUGHING. BM#4 LOOKS AT BOSS, WHO STARES HARD BACK AS IF DARING HIM TO FOLLOW SUIT]

PP: You guys just get a funny text or something? [NEITHER BM #1 OR #3 ARE ABLE TO ANSWER]

PP: Anyway, boss, there you go. We have ten thousand packages for the Nut Chopper all ready [BM #2 JOINS #1 AND #3 ON THE FLOOR]. I can't wait for chefs all over America to put their nuts into our Chopper and start cranking away!

B: [sighs] No, I bet you can't. Ship it out.

Fun With Homophones

2011-05-05T14:09:00.000-07:00

Just had this conversation with one of my students:

"Mr. Robertson, how many are we supposed to do?"
"Four."
"For the vocab thing."
"Four."
"For practicing the vocabulary words so we get better at it."
"Four."
"For...ohhhhh. Ok, thanks."

NZ Pictures Day 10 & 11

2011-03-16T23:30:00.001-07:00

Day 10- Barefooting and Seals

NZ Bacon!

I take artsy pictures

A lookout over Kaikoura

Cool

Sharka parked us in the ocean

Mr. Seal to you, American.

We love posed pictures!

Barefoot Guy hiking

Can't get enough of the pretty

"Matt! Cows!"

"Moo!"

I shall climb you.

Because its there

I have conquered you!

These hurt more than little rocks

Angela: Queen of the Rocky Outcrop

I now conquer the flat rock!

The human colony

Burned foots

Wine

Lamb sausage was tasty tasty.

Day 11- Kaikoura to Hanmer Springs (feat. yarns and sheep!)

Ummm...

Such a happy whale

I've mentioned the pretty, right?

Fun = one lane bridge in a caravan

We a freaking cute!

Have we had pictures of sheep in a while?

Quick stop to stretch and pee in the bushes

Hehe, toot.

Where did you come from?!?

I see no apple tree! It fell far from the tree.

Stupid tar

Barefoot Jackass

Heh...hehehehe...hawhawhawhaw!

Barefoot pride

Hiking With Yarn: Staring Angela

The river was deep but I swam it

Sasquatch!

Yarn loves

Gimme that come here you gaa!

I mentioned we ate well, didn't I?

Ohhh, so not good

It was a cold night

NZ Pictures Day 8 & 9

2011-03-15T20:30:00.000-07:00

To see Angela's pictures and captions (she posted more pictures than I did) go here.

Day 8- The Museum and the Ferry

Keeping it together after passing a stone

Giant squid at Te Papa museum

Whale skeleton. It's, um, big.

Shark!

What a kiwi looks like

Gigantic shell

All the nifty models hanging from the ceiling

Dino foots and my foots

Dino foots and her foots

Fossil picture taken for my students

Look, students, half a clam!

Its a meatasaurus

Curse your inevitable betrayal.

These are extinct. That's right, no moa.

Squished coin! Her trip is complete.

Native canoe

Nifty canoe picture inserted and taken for my students

I'm not dead!

Bwahaha

Fail.

Ferry boarding passes

Much yummy mint cookies

Here we go!

The Captain all settled in

It is somewhat windy up here

Cold and sleepy wife

Day 9- The Exeloo, Wine tasting, and Seals!

Our "camping" spot for the night. This may not have been entirely legal.

New Zealand bathroom technology amazes and astounds.

Yes, you did just look at five pictures of a bathroom.

Ketchup bottle!

I am all about this level of breakfast.

Marlborough county vineyards

But first...

Tasting? Oh my.

A factory for chocolate!

She's like an angel...

Note: Quilting, Fudge, Wine. Yes we stopped.

I'll take it!

The next bottle of wine purchased on the trip

Yum!

Artsy Vineyard picture #1

Artsy Vineyard picture #2

Framingham had a pretty set up.

Cheers.

And swish.

Down in their cellar

Many much bottles

Get it? She's...yeah...

Grrrr, me strong!

We recommend a visit

Roadside veggies! Squee!

Ummm, what?

So we just...really? Huh, ok.

I really like this sign. No Burglars Allowed!

Name the two sports. Go ahead, silly American.

We haven't had a scenery shot in ages!
(and there could have been forty more in this post)

My overpriced coffee

Stupid tiny cup

We are here!

Ok, this is a little gay.

The hunter stalks his prey

I see water. I see flat rocks. I must skim.

Here there be seals.

Awww, lookit the little baby one!

There's some more of the pretty

And there again. You can't tell but it was freaking windy!

Site for the next two nights. Yes, that is the ocean right there.

Must investigate freezing cold water.

Honeymoon feets!

Sitting outside and reading.

View from the site.

i before e except after y...no, wait..

Angela's Super Tiny Kitchen- Micro Edition

Getting her thoughts down after another long but excellent day

NZ Pictures Day 6 & 7

2011-03-14T14:15:00.000-07:00

Day 6- Napier and the National Aquarium of New Zealand
*warning- many many fish pictures ahead*

mmphrg?

The Frying Dutchman? Ha!

Don't ask. I'm not sure.

We both have aquarium loves

I'm a sucker for shark stuff
(this is a warning)

How cool is this?

Purdy

Dirtbag is friends, not food

So a sea cucumber and a mollusk, no wait...

If Angela gets a dog I want a shark

Drum solo!
(get it? GET IT?)

If you look really carefully right in the center of the picture you can kind of see a kiwi. Long, narrow beak pointing towards your upper left corner.

I like turtles!

Really this picture is only here because I think I'm clever for having her show the scale.

Not posed. Ohhhhhh

Also not posed. Ahhhh

A travelator is a flat escalator which takes you through the magical undersea world

Cheese?

You don't say?

Seriously, this might be my favorite picture of the entire trip

Fresh baked bread

Nomnomnom

We will destroy you

Haha

This might be the coolest I've ever looked in a picture

Look honey, veggies!

The day's haul

Preparing for Christmas

Yeah, we brought a tiny string of lights too. Festive, damnit!

See what happens when I'm alone with the camera? You see?

Yummy yummy dinner. Might have been lamb.

Pretty sunset unaided by smog-enhanced coloration

Day 7- Lots of Scenery Pictures But Ain't it Purdy

It's Christmas!

Awww, we are freakin' cute!
*Warning: What follows is a ton of scenery shots because there was lots of driving on this day*

Christmas Day means everything is closed

Motorcycle sad...

More motorcycle sad...

You can see the road cutting through the mountain. So nice.

Have I mentioned the motorcycle sad?

Weee! (plus motorcycle sad)

Because we need more pictures of Captain Slow.

When we got to this campground and said we wanted a spot the guy said, "Eh, it's Christmas. Go find a spot." Score!

Hat by Wife. Good thing too, it got chilly.

Curious duck who visited during a group hang out

Christmas dinner with fellow campers, one Dutch couple (dude in the hat and the girl in gray) and one Belgian couple (the other two). All spoke English as well as you do...or better

Wine is for sharing and making new friends

Recording the day's adventures. Little did I know a small stone was about to ruin my night.

Dessert

The first purchased bottle of wine of the trip.

NZ- Thursday, 1/6

2011-03-06T19:19:00.001-08:00

Thursday, 1/6- All Seasons Holiday Park, Taupo

This is it, the first last of the trip. Our last night in Captain Slow, last camping night. Tomorrow we push back to Auckland, return the Captain, and stay in a motel. I think/hope we are going to bus in to the city tomorrow night for one last night and to find a tattoo shop. No tattoo parlors in Taupo! Denied. An adult shop, but no ink slingers. This, by the way, is my sole complaint about Taupo. Could have done three or four days here, easy.

We walked to town, only 1.5km or so from camp, and hit the isite for info and postcards. I noticed the Taupo museum had a photo exhibit of the All Blacks called Hard on the Heels so we headed that way. $5NZ entry per person but the lady gave Angela the student rate of $3 and I begged, wheedled, and flirted my way to a $3 entry as well because I have 29 students.

The All Blacks gallery was very cool. No, I don't know much about rugby, but I did read an excellent book called Muddied Oafs about the sport over the last week AND I plan on caring about the World Cup. So I'm a poseur, but with good intentions. The rest of the museum was ok. Their fancy garden was underwhelming. But we did another museum. We are cultural, damnit!

After that we explored the lake's edge. Our guidebook claimed thermal springs in the area made the water warm. Angela would walk some meters along the shore, go to the water and dip a toe, and report the guidebook lied. We didn't understand.

The light bulb was supplied by a very friendly (is there any other kind?) Kiwi family who explained you have to get at least ankle deep in the water then dig your toes under the sand. Ohhh! Wow, what a cool feeling. That sand, only inches below the bottom's top, was hot! Like, only keep your piggies in there for a few seconds hot. By following the family we also found a spot where a hot spring actually did run into the lake . We could see steam coming off the water. The sand above the water line was hot. Crazy cool. Err, hot. I blew the husband's mind by walking on the hot sand.

Then it rained, but only for a bit.

We ate at LK's Fish and Chips and had, I think, the best fish of the trip. Perfectly crumbled. I told the lady so. Yum.

While there Angela and I discussed America's money and how here they always round to the ten cent. They have to, they have no nickel or penny. Why do we need pennies? Why should something cost $1.99? Make it $2, you aren't fooling anyone. We have worthless money. This is silly and should be abolished. Beware my coronation to Grand Emperor. Changes shall be made.

I found a good deal on a New Zealand bike jersey. The guy at the shop said it was kind of “touristy” but that's ok, I'm a tourist. Plus, it only looks touristy here. Back home it'll look cool because its a New Zealand cycle top.

We took a short hike which would have led us to a waterfall had we gone all the way, but it was getting late and we stopped instead at a natural hot spa off a river which feeds in to the lake. Again, this water was hot. Too hot, in fact, for the wife's toeses. I got in a cooked for a while surrounded by accents and various languages. *Soapbox Moment: Dear American Educational System, English is not the only language in the world. We should be encouraging bilingualism from early elementary school. Everyone else does. We look dumb all alone on our high horse, That is all.*

Once we got back to the holiday park we paid $5 and relaxed in their spa, which was a nice soak after a good day of walking. I feel I should note I wore my TrekSport VFFs until the hot sand lake until the friendly (is there any other kind?) Kiwi family, and then went barefoot from there on. I like this.

We (I) made friends with the nice Dutch couple camping next to us and offered them our unused foodstuffs. They took it gladly. Its nice to pay it forward. We also talked about our experiences and let them know the fun and interesting things we've found. Dutch people are very nice. They now have our spaghetti and produce in their Tigger and Piglet-painted campervan.

We aren't ready to be done. I'm pretty sure if we had three months we wouldn't be ready to be done. Guess a return trip is needed. Darn.

Stories Out Of School

2011-03-01T09:43:00.000-08:00

We take a break from New Zealand Reports to bring you two short stories from the Classroom.

#1
I find myself funny when I'm teaching. I need to amuse myself or I'll get bored. Perhaps it works similarly for you in your job. So when I'm done explaining the lesson and I'm checking for understanding I'll ask my students, "Everyone understand?"
"Yes."
"Clear as mud?"
"Y... ," and then that wonderful expression of confusion comes over their faces. Some go so far as to hit me with the full-on quizzical dog head-tilt. (It's almost as good as when I'm taking roll and I say, "Ok, raise your hand if you're absent.")
"Wait a minute...mud's not clear!"
And before I can laugh or move on one will turn to another, "Well, now hold on just one moment. What kind of mud? Has it been raining? Average local precipitation levels would be a factor, don't you think?"
Another replies, "Very good point! Also, is it a large puddle or a small one? That would cause variations in mud density."
"What is the dirt-to-water ratio? That would surely impact the relative opacity of said mud. One would imagine that mud could, in theory, be fairly clear given the correct variables."
I try to intervene, "All right!"
Index fingers stab the air, "Hold on, Mr. Robertson. This is important. So, would you agree with my hypothesis that red dirt would yield a different consistency and, therefor visibility, of mud than, say, beach sand?"
"Without a doubt."
"I see. Well I've conducted a few thought experiments using my smart phone while we've been discussing this, as well as accessing mud-related articles via Google, and I think that the results will be quite surprising to us all."
And this is why a grown adult with a college degree says things like, "Hey! We are now done discussing mud clarity. Get back to work!"

#2
Yesterday I had this conversation with one of my...special kids. We'll call him Toby*.

Me: Why is there ink all over your hands?
Kid: *shrug*
Me: You don't know how ink got all over your hands?
Kid: I don't know when it happened.
Me: Where is your pen?
Kid: Oh yeah, now I remember. My pen leaked on my hands.
Me: ...Where. Is. Your. Pen?
Kid: In my pencil box.
Me: Is it still leaking?
Kid: Not all over the place.
Me: Not all over...is it broken?
Kid: Yes.
Me: Throw it away and go wash your hands.
Kid: Ok. *totters off*
A Few Minutes Later- Child comes back from the bathroom.
Me: Are your hands clean?
Kid: shows me the back of his hands! The side that never had ink on them!!

*his real name is Marcus*

*no its not, I'd get in trouble if I posted his real name online

NZ- Wednesday, 1/5

2011-02-26T20:37:00.001-08:00

Wednesday, 1/5- All Seasons Holiday Park, Taupo

The construction guy lied to me. He told me the road was sealed all the way through. Lies! It was sealed for about an hour and a half, and then it became a gravel road for an unknown amount of time. Unknown because we turned around. Don't tell the rental place we drove on an unsealed road, its a no-no. I swear I though it would become paved! It always had before.

Background: We decided to take the slower but prettier Wanganui River Road to our first stop. It was pretty, it was nice, and it didn't go through. Damnit. This was one of those roads so narrow they didn't even bother to paint a line down the middle because why. Its not like two vehicles could fit side-by-side on 50% of the road.

Not to say it was beautiful, because it was. Lush (there's an adjective I haven't exploited yet!) vegitation surrounds and the river rushes below. And then I have to three-point turn Captain Slow on a narrow gravel road and we basically wasted two and a half hours of travel time. Doug grumpy. Doug got over it.

Stupid construction guy.

We had a quick reheated spaghetti lunch at a picnic pull-out and stopped again at the lookout for Raukawa Falls, our first of two waterfalls for the day. Picturesque. There may also have been side-of-road relief.

Long push to our original goal for the day, Whakapapa National Park. Up, up, up we climbed, Captain Slow struggling valiantly in third to pull us towards our goal. We saw the Château de Something were people stay when they come up here to fall down the mountain in the snow. (Angela claims this is a sport called “skiing”. I'm doubtful.) We got a short hike in around the ridge, only an hour but it was gorgeous and a solid climb the whole time. Well, the first half. Obviously. Duh.

Captain Slow then struggled mightily in second up through the treeline to the end of Bruce Road. The terminus was what Angela called a “Ski Resort”, where her mythical people travel to pay money so that they may tumble down the mountain from a greater height. I remain doubtful. Anyway, it reminded me of Armstrong's desolate beauty. Volcanic rock does that.

Back down the road a ways and a twenty minute walk takes us to the top then the pool of a smaller waterfall called Tawhai Falls. We met a couple down there and we took their picture and they took ours. I'm almost positive we were two minutes too late to see him propose. Good spot for it. Mine was better.

Of course we also checked out the gift shop and the I-site. You know, to be sure we looked the tourist part. And to see if there were any trinkets that needed buying. There weren't. No yarn this high up I guess.

From there it was a 100km push to our stopping point along the massive Lake Taupo. The only hitch was a bee who decided to try and grab a ride on the seat next to Angela. Sorry, dead bug, she's not ok with that. My toeshoes require toesocks to keep the smell under control, and unlike normal socks these do have a left and a right. So laundry sorting needs to be paid attention to. Last time two lefts got together in a pair. Two socks of the same foot! Together! You know what that makes them, right? That's right! Homosockuals!

(You have no idea how hard we laughed when we came up with that.)

Our holiday park for the next two nights has a small thermal pool which we sampled. Not too warm. Angela described it's temperature as just about where the bath is when you're ready to get out. Still, it was a nice soak. We made child friends. “Australia's gay!” “No, it's not!”

Hopefully tomorrow is a busy day in Taupo. Looks like there's lots to do.

*Later* The nights here are amazing. So many stars.

NZ- Tuesday, 1/4

2011-02-20T19:03:00.001-08:00

Tuesday, 1/4- Castlecliff Seaside Holiday Park, Wanganui North Island

Today the late sunlight played in our favor as we pushed as far north as we could once we got off the ferry. The place we landed, Wanganui, was a semi-guess by the World's Greatest Naviguesser and I think it worked out great.

We started the waiting day in Picton. Why a waiting day? Because pretty much the whole morning was spent waiting for the ferry, the waiting at the ferry, then waiting on the ferry. It was a less than exciting day in New Zealand. Not that that's bad. We sat in the park and read this morning. I got to feel manly by buying leather oil and oiling my hat and buying rope for my hammock. Of course, there is nothing at this campsite to hang my hammock on but whatever. Staying by the Picton harbour also allowed us to again experience (you don't use this, you experience it) the Exceloo, the most futuristic public toilet in existence.

On board the ferry, Angela was very excited to sit outside in the front, excuse me, the bow. Daylight crossing means pretty views of the Sound. Or it means a quickly cold and wind-blown wife going inside to read and play PSP. I did make a friend with a very small and not at all shy child who told me all about the bug in her super bounce ball that was “pretending” and trying to get away. “Honey, come here and leave the man alone.” Aww, we were having fun.

Once off the ferry we drove for about two and a half or three hours, pushing north. Our goal tomorrow is a national park for hiking and we were trying to avoid a long drive prior to. We failed that, but never mind. We don't alk much on drive days sometimes. We talked about that today. And we're both ok with it. Its nice not to feel the need to fill the air with noise and mindless chatter, though sometimes that's fun too. The Quiet, when it is true and comfortable, is an excellent thing. It is a trust and a begin together.

While we drove through a whole lotta nuthin', today was the least scenic day of the trip minus the last 25km or so, I thought about home and our global attitude. Specifically the chest-pounding which has become all too prevalent in post-9/11 America. The “We are the Greatest Country in the World Ever!” stuff. Everyone has to qualify statements about America with the GOAT tag or be questioned as unpatriotic.

Surely we are a great county. But the greatest of all time? Even of our time? I'm not so sure. And what I really wasn't sure about was why other countries let us get away with our posturing, as annoying as it must be. I've come up with two reasons, acting independently but in parallel.

The first is apathy. Countries like New Zealand, Australia, and Canada don't care about chest-pounding or being the best in the world over all, just in things like rugby and football (soccer). They aren't even aware that a contest for GOAT was going on. Too busy living in their free, beautiful, clean countries I suppose.

Great Britain also falls in to the apathy category, but for different reasons. They didn't invent the GOAT contest, that honor would probably fall to the Greeks, but they were the best at it for a number of centuries. I imagine they look at us like my dad looks at me. “Six pack, full head of dark hair, boundless energy. I had all that when I was your age. But look at me now. This is you in 300 years. If you're lucky.” Germany is apathetic too, but only because they've seen first hand what that level of flag-waving madness can come to when taken to extreme.

The other reason other countries put up with us loudly proclaiming our greatness is it means its harder for us to hear them sneaking up on us. The Ninja Theory. Of course I'm talking about Japan and China, who are poised to drop from the rooftops and garrote us before we even know they are there. We're too busy talking about how many medals we won at the last Games or how open-minded we are because we elected a black guy president (after only 200 years of freedom!) and because we are starting to let the gays marry (seven whole states! Seven! So open-minded.)

None of this means I'm anti-America or that I don't think we are a great country. I just think we'd benefit from lowering the flags, putting our heads down, and getting some forward movement happening. Today's big new hit is tomorrow's golden oldie.

Anyway, our time here is drawing to a close and neither of us are ready for it. There's still so much we haven't seen or done, even around our stop for the night. We could take a two-hour paddleboat ride, but that blows a ton of time for travel to other places and other things. So much to do. We'll have to come back. Still with out a plan, but with a better idea.

NZ- Monday 1/3

2011-02-18T17:16:00.001-08:00

Monday, 1/3- Waikawa Bay Holiday Park, Picton

I am at an angle. The entire caravan is, in fact, at an angle. This is not my fault. The whole campground lists decidedly to one side. We'll wake up stacked against the wall tonight. At least the water will drain.

The day began again in Nelson, only this time more was open. We went to the shop that created the One Ring for the Lord of the Rings movies and admired the copies on display. I resisted unleashing the inner Gollum as there was a family present and the lady was trying to make a sale. Preciousssssss.

We arrived, as if by magic, at another yarn shop where Angela fondled, I talked with the shopkeeper, and we left is an addition to the ever-growing stash. I found a New Zealand shirt I like. Not an All Blacks but it does have the silver fern on it. Close enough. Not my fault we don't have where I grew up! But with my book on rugby I'm determined to learn. The wife and I are half-seriously discussing tickets to London in October for the Rugby World Cup. Yes, its happening in New Zealand, but London people will care and that will make it much more fun to watch in pubs. Plus I've never been to London. Probably too much money. We'll see.

On the drive from Nelson to Havelock (beautiful, twisty, blah, blah, blah) I reflected on the competing dual purposes of our trip. On one hand we want to see as much of New Zealand as possible, so we spend some days traveling many km to that end. On the other hand we want to experience as much of New Zealand as we can (and as is financially possible). So we hike and wander and stop along the road. Too many times we've been forced to pass over something because we just don't have the time. Its a big, busy country, something we don't think about coming from the flat 48. Drive from LA to New York and there will be loooooong stretches of nothing exciting aside fomr the Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota. But from one end of NZ to the other there is so much to do. Maybe its because I'm a visitor.

Quick break in Havelock where nothing interesting was happening then we hit Queen Charlotte Drive. It was a Double T road (Tight and Twisty) complete with 20km/h and less hairpins (I'll let you do the conversion), one after another after another after another and blinding beauty on one side where the sound sat, blue and pristine and full of boaters we are jealous of. But parts we Triple T (Tight, Twisty, and Terrifying) like when the road dipped on the outside edge of a tight bend with no guardrail, or the washouts that created sudden obstacles in one lane sections. A bike road? Yeah. A cautious, sweaty, ohhhh my bike road? Yeah yeah. We pulled off a few times to settle stomachs and catch our breath, only to have the view steal it back. At our last stop we were both ready to be done with the Queen and asked, “Do ya think its much farther?” Literally around one more corner we looked down at Picton and left the Queen.

First stop! The internet cafe and hostel of a week ago where I left my sweatshirt. They had it! Joy of joys and other exclamations!

We found our holiday park for the night and walked to the harbour, where we ate overpriced but yummy Fisherman's Platters at the Jolly Roger. Am I excited to eat at a place with a skull and cross bones logo? Aye. Did I steal a menu? Aye. Am I done using this self question and answer convention for a while? Aye hope so.

So tonight is our last night on South Island. We loved it. We did not have enough time. We have to come back to see the rest of it. My breaks aren't long enough and my pay is too low. Wah wah wah. But in the words of Ah-nold, “I'll be bach.”

The ferry is during the day tomorrow so we should be able to see everything. Should be pretty. More pictures!

NZ- Sunday, 1/2

2011-02-11T18:06:00.000-08:00

Sunday, 1/2-Maitai Valley Motorcamp, Nelson

Today I bought a hat. It is made out of kangaroo leather. Angela asserts that it is sexy and looks good on me. My ego allows me to believe her. It does work well functionally, keeping the sun off me and whatnot, so I'm happy I bought it. Need to wear it lots now. Dirtbag Hiking Hat.

First thing this morning we drove back into Moteuka and found the Sunday market. During the night we decided Moteuka was pretty Podunk-y and the market confirmed that. It was Craft Market/Produce Market/Flea Market. Angela bought produce, I bought a hammock which needs rope, and we bought coffee based on smell and a pirate label. It was a day to celebrate capitalism. And it become even more so by day's end.

From there we drove to Nelson, which we were both excited about based on their excellent PR campaign. Well...3/4 of it was closed for Sunday. Damn. So we walked it quick and I bought three locally written and published books at a used book store called Liter-Arty. This makes me pleased. I've been looking for local lit and now I have. Smell the book!

Next we backtracked to a beach park festival we had passed on our way to Nelson. Big score here. He weather was stunning and it was a small, friendly market/fair. We beelined for a booth selling garlic salt and the guy up-sold the hell out of us but then gave us an amazing deal. I don't know if we got ripped off somehow but I walked away feeling like we stole from him. So he did his job. Some will end up on meat tonight. Mmmm.

We walked, I fondled a hat, we walked some more. We bought a hot dog and chips, which is really a corn dog and fries. It was a good snack. Good ketchup.

I fondled a hat again, thought about it, fondled, and bought. If I've tried one on every time I've seen one, I may as well buy one. Plus, this one is made out of kangaroo. That's almost New Zealandish.

Then it was time to explore. We went in search of some wineries because that was fun last time and accidentally found Yarn Mecca. The complex was called Grape Escape and the store was Cruella's Fibre Boutique,. One the lady (who had a shock of white hair just like the store's namesake and a totally unique bearing) found out Angela is a knitter it was on like Donkey Kong. She got The Treatment. Only yarn store we've ever been in that had their patterns knitted up so you could see what you could make and/or buy. Very clever and it sold a metric ton of yard to my wife. She's happy. I'm happy.

Oh yeah, at the beach by the fair the Cancer Society was handing out free sunscreen and free-to-borrow beach umbrellas. Do we have this in the States? We should if not. I continue to question our self-proclaimed Greatest Country Ever status.

We popped in to Höglund Art Glass and checked out some very expensive vases and bowls. Cool to see, neat to see made, way too much $$$.

Using the map and random, “Hey look, a sign! I'll turn now!” we ended up at Staford Lane Estate Vineyard. We tried many olive oils and coatings, bought dukka to coat food with. Kind of a crumb-like substance that sticks to bread with the olive oil. Tastiness. Angela sampled their Sauvignon Blanc '10, Pinot Noir '09, and Montepulciano '09 and bought the SB.

Last stop before camp was Brightwater Vineyards, chosen because it is a small, family-run vineyard rather than a huge enterprise. The owner served us herself and was very nice and talkative. Maybe a little too talkative as it turned out. Angela tasted their Riesling '10, Sauvignon Blanc '10, and Merlot '09. She bought the Riesling but the lady bagged the Pinot Gris. Whoops! Didn't notice until we were settled at camp for dinner. Well, Angela forgives easily and says it is still a good wine so we won't go back to complain. Everyone makes mistakes, not worries. Plus, this bottle was $5 more. Ha!

Now we are here and garlic fills the camper. There is a small river by the camp I waded in. To quote a German woman we met at Brightwater, “New Zealand vater is much...fresher zen we haf at home.” Colder would be a good word for it too. Also went for an easy and pleasant 27 minute run. Good to run.

Nelson gets another shot tomorrow. Today started rocky but got really good. We wanted to read outside but the many little bugs chased us inside Captain Slow. Jerks. We'll find a bug candle tomorrow. And rope for my hammock.

NZ- Saturday, 1/1

2011-02-08T17:56:00.001-08:00

Saturday, 1/11/11- Fernwood Holiday Park, Motueka

Travel today started at just before ten in the am and ended just after six in the pm. That, friends and readers, is one long haul of a day. Good thing this country is so bloody gorgeous or we would have gotten bored.

First things first. Happy New Year! It's 2011! Yay! Ok, good, now that's over and done with for another 365. Except in the States where it hasn't happened yet.

We made two quick stops almost immediately after setting off, setting the laid back, no hurry tone for the day's travel. First was, of course, a roadside veggie stand where we were teased over ten cents to buy tomatoes. We had $3.90. He wanted $4. We got 'em but had to listen to him pretend to complain for five minutes first.

Sucker.

Second was the Honey Cafe. A place which, much to your shock and mine, sold much honey and honey-related paraphernalia. So its not just a clever name.

We went back over the most intense one-lane bridge today. It also had a railroad track running down the center of it. So beware of other cars and TRAINS! Made me think “One Lane Train,” which sounds like a badass title for something. Dibs!

We were on what Angela's Lonely Planet guide calls one of the World's Top Ten Greatest Drives today and I'm right there with the editors. Incredible coastal road along the Tasman Sea. Plenty of stops to get out and gape. Have I mentioned how pretty it is here? Are you sure?

A few hours in we passed a sign for pancake rocks and a blowhole so we stopped to play tourist. The Punakaiki Blowhole and Pancake Rocks are fantastic feats of erosion, impressing children of all ages and races. A blowhole I don't have to explain, and we got two really good explosions with lots of ohhh-ing and ahhh-ing. Bigger than the one at home.

Pancake rocks are a trick of erosion and sea build up that make the rock look very tightly layered, like a stack of hotcakes seen in profile. Much the picture taking did ensue.

As we turn inland the coast goes away only to be replaced by a river run. Today was determined to prove true the River Road Rule I came up with on the summer Border to Border ride. This Rule states that “Any Road that does follow a river shall be Good.” So true today it's not even funny. Oddly enough, today necessitated a new Rule- The New Zealand Farmland Road Rule, which states, “Any such Road which follows farmland in New Zealand shall be, like all other Roads in New Zealand, Good.” This Rule is rarely used but good information to have.

Following the River Road Rule, I stopped for pictures, a snack, a motorcycle pout, and a leg stretch. It was, as the Rule so states, Good.

A while later we stopped for lunch at a decent-sized free campground where we were eaten by tiny blood flies. No gars were seen. (“I'll take Super Specialized References for $1000 please, Alex.”)

And now we are in Motueka, which claims to be near the ocean but I think it might be near mud flats connected to the ocean, which is close enough for a brochure. The little town should be good for an hour tomorrow then we'll head down the coast to Nelson, which looks promising. So from the Tasman Sea to the Tasman Bay in Cook Straight, today was one hell of a long drive. Good thing I've got the best naviguesser in the world to my left. (All together now, “Awwwww.”)

NZ- Friday, 12/31

2011-02-06T20:48:00.000-08:00

Friday, 12/31- Shining Star, Hokitika

Lazy day today, and I like it. We had planned on walking in to town, doing a little shopping, then dropping the loot off and going on a nice, long hike.

Well, parts one and two happened. We did walk to Hokitika. Angela did buy a metric ton of yarn and fibery things. I bought some books because I finished all the ones we brought. And we checked out loads, heaps, rather, of things carved out of jade. It seems Hokitika is the jade capitol of the world. Or at least of NZ. Plenty of jade shops is what I'm trying to say.

We also looked at what was called the Maori Heritage Centre but was really another shop. I hope it was just a gift shop and we somehow missed the real Centre. But I don't think so.

Our plans went awry after we got back. Angela laid down for a moment and before we knew it it was nap time! After that we didn't really feel like going for a long walk. Instead we took a short walk to the beach and she read while I went for a barefoot beach run.

Sandy runs are rough. I was out for 35 minutes. I met a nice family at my turn around point that I stopped and talked to for a few minutes. When I passed them the first time the father yelled to me, “Australia's that way!” If I had been thinking, something I try to avoid when running, I would have made a remark about why would I want to go to a place that can't even get out of the first round of the Ashes when it's hosting it? New Zealanders love cricket jokes and Aussie jokes. It would have killed.

Good to Know: Barefoot beach running will sandblast your toes. I've got blisters on five toe pads now. Great. Make's 'em tougher, right?

After my run we came back to camp, played cards, and had dinner. Simple, easy day. It was nice. Might check out the glowworms again if we're still awake.

NZ- Thursday 12/30

2011-02-01T21:32:00.000-08:00

Thursday, 12/30- Shining Star, Hokitika

Short hops travel day today. In the am we traversed more excellent mountain roads, broken with stretches of pasture. The sky is blue and clear and the air is crisp. New Zealand often exists in a cliché of weather and scenery.

It is 8:50pm and the sun hasn't gone down yet. We didn't eat until 8 mostly because we had no idea it was so late already. “Why am I so hungry? Its still early, isn't it?” “Holy crap, its 8!”

On our drive we went through a place labeled Doubtful Valley. Being the wits we are, and almost on cue, I said, “I dunno about that,” and she quipped, “Are they sure?” High comedy. Sticking with the fantastic names for places theme, we also drove through a so-tiny-it-takes-longer-to-make-a-joke-about-the-name-than-to-walk-through-it town called Crushington. This requires all caps. CRUSHINGTON. Better. I would go see any band that said they were from CRUSHINGTON. If I had a band, we would say came from CRUSHINGTON, right next to Brutalville, across the river from Metalliton.

We notice, or rather noticed again, that Captain Slow's cab is very big. My wife is very far away from me when I'm driving. It's a two hour trek to touch her knee and holding hands requires a warm-up, smoke signal communication, and a packed lunch. No fooling. I could barely see her.

I think I forgot to mention the one-lane bridges we've been traversing for the past two days. We get a sign warning us a few meters ahead, the suddenly two lanes become on and I either have to yield or go, but I better be paying attention or someone is going to be reversing on a narrow bridge. No problems so far. Kind of intense though.

Speaking of intense (Now accepting the award for Most Awkward Segue...) more of those Drive Safe signs were cracking us up. Today we went by one that had a picture of feet with a toe tage, you know, like at the morgue, and the text says, “SPEEDING TICKET.” Wow. And to go along with the intense signage, this in one of the countries that has put those awful pictures of lung cancer and mouth rot and throat death on their cigarette warning labels so as to make perfectly clear what you may be getting yourself in to by buying this particular product. The major tobacco companies have way too strong a grip on our own FDA to let anything this honest happen in the good ole US of A. More and more I question our right to even own the moral high horse, let alone trot around on it like we do. (Just so you know, this somehow ended with me arm wrestling Bill O'Reilly in my head while Glenn Beck cried. No, I'm not sure how I got there. Something about his belief that stronger is better. Would be cool, though.)

The roads here seem singular in purpose- to go from A to B. Not to advertise the latest Will Ferrell abortion or a body spray that makes you smell like perfumed crap. Like so many other parts of New Zealand, the roads reflect a very high level of eco-awareness. Sure, its a swath of concrete cutting through the forest, but no more than is absolutely needed. Signs everywhere remind travelers to care for their surroundings and here people actually heed those reminders.

I think I need to learn to do metric conversions off the top of my head. I feel like a dummy trying to go from miles to kilometers, or standard to metric weights or volumes, or Fahrenheit to Celsius. If I don't learn a foreign language I can at least figure out the math everyone else on the planet is using.

We stopped today at a tiny mountain town called Reefton. Not for the night, but because they are having Summer Festival things every day for a month and a half and today was horse racing. Must see!

Turns out this is a big deal for Reefton, who's population had to be at least 600, maybe 1,000. The whole town (the whole town, maybe one disaffected teen was sulking in a dark room somewhere) was gathered at the rugby pitch/race track to cheer and wear their race day finest. It was Reefton Trots, which means the jockeys actually sit behind the horse on a little chariot and get pulled. We sat and watched two races, cheered, did not bet, ate some local fair food, and blew the mind of a young teenage girl. She was standing in front of us in line for chips (fries) and was sneaky checking out my toe shoes in that sneaky-but-not way teen girls have. So I wiggled my toes at her and we said hi. She asked where we were from and when we told her she shot a wide-eyed OMG look at her friend and squeeled, “Hawaii!” with standards teen girl excited hand-flutter. Angela remarked afterwards that we were probably the only Americans there. We, friends, were exotic!

Well Hokitika looked great and exciting in the brochure. Not so much live, but not bad. It was the end of the business day by the time we strolled in. Will be better tomorrow I'm sure. They have a Sock Factory and Museum shop with much yarn and fleece. Joy. Hike planned for tomorrow too.

After we got back we took chairs down to the beach, our camp is mere meters from the ocean and I can here it from Captain Slow. It was very nice to sit and read and listen to the waves. We don't do it enough at home.

Across the street is a glowworm dell. We checked it out in the daylight and its pretty, but I guess around ten when it gets really dark, the worms light up. So we're doing that later tonight, I'll let you know how it goes.

Glad not to be driving tomorrow. Long walk/hike will make up for lack of running.

*A Short Time Later*

Very impressed with the glowworm dell. When we got there only a few were glowing, sparse pinpoints in the black, but over time more and more appeared until we were surrounded by living nebulae. I refuse to be cynical or too cool about this. Tiny animals that are invisible in the daylight but at night they light up? That is an awesome trick of nature. The only problem? Tourons who shine flashlights higher than foot level. But I'm too enlightened (get it?) by our free (yay!) glowworm experience to get too lit up (Ha!) over dim people (Haha!)

Living constellations, galaxies, and nebulae. Very pretty. Very amazing. Worth the cold but short walk. Too dim for pictures.

NZ- Wednesday, 12/29

2011-01-30T18:37:00.000-08:00

Wednesday, 12/29- Alpine Adventure Holiday Park, Hanmer Springs

I continue to be stunned by the beauty of this country. Almost immediately today the road dove into twisting, turning, climbing mountain excellence. I miss my bike and say to every passing biker, “I hates you. Seriouslys.” Though I was Helpful Camper Guy today for a huge group of at least 20 riders. Thumbs up out the window to let them know it was safe to pass Captain Slow's slow ass, thumbs down to hold the group up. Got a few waves. I was helpful. Hopefully.

We had to stop twice on the side of the road today. Not for anything important, just because I knew the scenery was breathtaking and I was too busy navigating motorcycle-sad bends to take it all in. Pullouts: Not Just for Passing Anymore. I had a deep thought based on how I feel about traveling on the bike. Taking your time can make it true even in a caravan. This kind of traveling is about being a part of the world, not apart from the world. Get it? A part. Apart. Slap that bad boy on a t-shirt and we'll sell 10,000 units in Portland alone. Check please. Seriously though, that's what we're going for here.

As with every other day we passed thousands upon thousands of sheep and cows. And each time Angela leans towards them and either moos, baas, or exclaims, “Sheeps!” But since she's been buying a sheepload of yarn and cooking with lamb (yummy!) now she'll point at them and say, “I got summa you back here!” The cows get it too because beef was bought at our last grocery stop.

I noticed I drive faster with someone behind me, and on the straights that's mostly ok. But in mountain bends I need to go at my own pace. Angela is not a fan of going too fast anyway. Helps viewing and driving pleasure.

We went to one produce stand on the roadside today. It was off someone's backyard and had a sign telling us to, “Toot and Pull Through.” Neither of us have any trouble with that. Then I honked the horn to get the lady's attention. (Ha! Fart jokes! Classic.)

I continue to use knowledge based almost solely on Top Gear to help me get through situations here. Today's example: A lady asked Angela to hand her a “spanner”. Because of Clarkson fumbling around and breaking cars and May being anal-retentive I know a spanner is a wrench and was able to translate from English to, uh, English. Thanks Top Gear! *thumbs up*

And on that bombshell we arrived in Hanmer Springs, nestled in the mountains of northern South Island. A cute little mountain town (I've gotta think of another way to describe cute, little towns) who's sole reason for existence, if I'm honest, seems to be the Hanmer Springs Thermal Pools and Spa. We were going to go, but with water temps from 28ºC-42ºC (you do the conversion) we didn't think Angela's sunburned feet and legs would be all that happy. So we skipped it and did the shops and a short nature walk.

We walked the 2.5km from camp to town and I, in my infinite wisdom, decided I am still Barefoot Man and brought slippers (Jandals here. How weird is that? Japanese sandals = Jandals). I, of course, immediately stepped on a nettle or something and hurted my poor toe. Slippers on. Toe stopped hurting. Barefoot. Crossing the street with pointy rocks and step in wet-from-the-heat tar. This makes my foot sticky. This causes little sharp road rocks to stick to my feet while I hop the next 2 meters across the road. Which I then have to peel off my sole and out of the tar, which would not wash off or scrape off for a while and made me sticky. I am Barefoot Jackass. Slippers on.

Did ¾ of the scenic walk hobbit-style though, mud squishing between my toes. Crossed a freezing cold stream on rocks while the much more practical wife took the bridge. Whatever, my way was cooler. (Get it? Get it?!?)

Once we got back we decided to walk through and explore our Holiday Park of the Night. We were down by the children's play area when we saw a little boy and girl of about equal size trying to take advantage of (surely that's the correct term) the seesaw. It wasn't working. She was seated and down, he couldn't pull himself up or pull his side down. So this little four-year old boy decided to start at the pivot point and crawl up the beam to his seat. This was when I decided to jump in and lend a hand. What is cool about this is at the same time his mom came walking up to help too. She called him by name so I stopped and looked and she told the kid basically, “Look, this nice man is going to help you. Get down and let him.” She let a complete stranger, long hair, bare-chested, tattooed, get her son started on the seesaw. Very cool. We stood and talked with her for a while, her husband too when he showed up. Very nice people, super friendly. It was neat to be able to laugh at kids who aren't ours as they play without being creepy. And it was nice to talk to nice people. Nice.

Cute little kid moment- Small boy child, also in the family we met, is on the trampoline with the little boy and girl from the seesaw. She is in control. Seesaw boy has been following her around. She first asks him how old he is. “Five.” “Me too!” she cries. She then turns to much smaller boy and asks him how old he is. Small boy says, “Four.” Mum laughs. “How old is he really?” we ask. She tells us he's two and a half. “Tell her you're a doctor too!” small boy's dad yells.

I'm excited about the next few days. Found a place on the west coast called Hokitika that looks neat. Will finish there tomorrow. Might be a two-nighter.

NZ- Tuesday, 12/28

2011-01-28T17:40:00.000-08:00

Tuesday, 12/28- Kaikoura Peketa Beach Holiday Park, Kaikoura

Strange weather today. Started out cool, got warm, then cool, windy, and rainy. Strange attitude for me today too. Felt off in the am, realized I left my hoodie at the internet hostel was grumpy, was ok, then back and forth between ok and tired/icky. Think the Stone Night is still catching up with me. One more good night's sleep should help.

Woke up this morning with Christopher Robin's famous words in my head, “Tut tut, looks like rain.” Small sprinkles, nothing real. And it cleared up quick. Suck it, Chris. After breakfast we drove to Kaikoura and up to the lookout. Gorgeous 360 degree panorama of the coastline. The water is blue and clear and excellent (and freaking cold!). From there we followed the signs to the Kaikoura Seal Colony, where the majority of our day was spent.

We easily could have sat in the carpark (parking lot) for a few minutes, checked out the seals relaxing on the rocks just off shore, then bailed. But what fun is that when there is a short hike nearby?

Up the path we go! I chose to do this hike fully Hobbit-style. Barefoot all the way, baby. And for the most part this was a fine idea. It started out on concrete, but only for a short way, which then gave way to dirt and long grass. Soft and easy on the tootsies. The hike wound along the edge of a cliff overlooking the ocean. Great weather, hot even, and very clear.

Eventually we came to a fork. We could either choose to continue on, which would make for a long hike, turn around and go back the way we came, which would make for a short hike, or go down to the shoreline and go back, which would make Goldilocks happy. We took option C. Angela had been hoping we would be able to make it down there since we noticed people walking by the ocean.

This is where if got interesting for Mr. Barefoot Guy. Instead of soft grass and dirt the shoreline was made up of small to medium-sized ocean-rounded rocks. No problem in shoes, but bare feet feel every pressure point. Stability increases barefoot. Thou art an Off-Road Machine. Thy body is built for this. So it was slow going as I picked my way down the beach, but who is in a hurry when they're hiking? The corollary to that is hiking as about seeing the nature around you, but being barefoot means watching where you step. I actually think my neck might be more sore than anything else from craning to look at the ground so much. Wah wah wah.

Scrambling over and around rocks with nothing between me and the earth is a great way to go. Once the little rocks went away we did some climbing and hopping across the large slabs of flat and not-so-flat eroded cliffside that always shows up on a rocky coast. Fun. Felt like a little kid. Laughed in my head at the very serious looking hikers we went by wearing their very serious/expensive hiking or running shoes. I might have had some discomfort, but my body and mind are stronger for it. Excuse me while I go hug a crystal and kick a hackysack.

Back at Captain Slow I was entertained by all the people out on the rocks trying to get a good look at the seals. It looked to me like a Human Colony. “Oh look, honey. Those two have a little one with them. It's can't even walk on its own yet! Awww. Ohhh, and that older one looks confused. Its gotten itself stuck near water and it doesn't know how to cross. Quick, get a picture!”

Lunch at the caravan then in to Kaikoura proper. 60 minutes of free parking yielded 55 minutes of wandering. Cute little town. Nothing super special. But all right. Better than Blenheim.

We'd twice passed a roadside produce shop so we were sure to stop on the way back. Roadside produce equals happy wife.

Feet sunburned equals not so happy wife. Her feet got cooked and now she had bright white Zs from her Jesus sandals crossing a dark and angry red. Hope it doesn't hurt too much in the coming days.

Almost as soon as we got back to camp the wind picked up and really brought the temperature down in a hurry. It also brought the rain in. We've been getting pitter-pattered on now for quite some time and it shows no signs of letting up. Tonight is an inside night. Good thing we bought a deck of cards. Already got my ass kicked in Rummy once. *grumble*

So for now its wind, rain, coffee, and tea. Soon it'll be lamb sausage for dinner then sleep.

Last night I had a minor stress out because of my stone night. I know the chances of another so soon are nil, but camping + kidney stone = fear. Can't help it. I practically have the code to the bathroom tattooed on my hand. Need to relax and enjoy. I'll be fine.

Travel in to the mountains tomorrow.

NZ Pictures Day 5

2011-01-26T21:27:00.000-08:00

Day 5: Rotorua and Plenty of Scenic Shots

Mmmf? Lmmealn.

Coffee is a goodness.

What? A picture of sheep? No way.

I present the museum/bathhouse of Rotorua. Tada!

To check out the underneath it was suggested we were helmets.

I get to be tall! Watch me watch my head.

It seems a demon lives down there and he's what heats the water.

And now a few panoramic shots from the roof:

Stupid timer.

Hello from Rotorua!

Museum/Bathhouse pretty

Wife with arch in background

Yummy food, awful waiter

Nomnomnom

The what now?

Flowers purdy

If I could have slowed down further I would have

And now for some more scenic shots:

Yes, that road twisting into the distance was wonderful

This is what motorcycle sad looks like on the outside

Why is it not a full circle?

"Why are these tourists taking pictures of me? Move along."

Yet more scenic shots:

Parked for the night in Napier

I am the king of arm stretched out self portraits

Sunset*
*color not artificially enhanced by smog

Christmas is coming!

NZ- Monday 12/27

2011-01-23T17:49:00.000-08:00

Monday, 12/27- Kaikoura Peketa Beach Holiday Park, Kaikoura

Yesterday ended with a minor adventure coming off the ferry at midnight and trying to find camping/parking. We ended up in a long-term lot, which might not have been exactly legal, but no one bothered us.

We spent the morning checking out the port town of Picton and judged it OK, but not great. Little towns are blending, its time for more country. Once again New Zealand leads America, this time in public bathroom technology. It was super-toilet (ExeLoo), stainless steel, push-button, hands-free sensing, and music-playing. It spoke to me, literally. We need to get off our high throne and get in the game.

Having failed our Skype attempt yesterday we decided a net cafe was a priority. And verily we did find one. A crappy one in a hostel with a shoddy connection that allowed Blogger and Facebook but had a nervous breakdown when confronted with Hotmail. So we both fired off update blogs to assure everyone we are alive and well. (ed. note: Also, I hung my sweatshirt on the back of the seat at the hostel and walked away without it. This would piss me off for a week.)

Today's goal destination was only 150k or so from our start so we chose to take our time and stop as we wished. Wine trail, here we come! First though, the Boutique Chocolate Factory. Cue first excited wife, “Squee!” of the day. Next, the Vines Village, home of the Quilter's Barn. Cue second, third, and fourth “Squee”s. Yarn hath been bought. Skeins and skeins. And it is good.

The Malborough County of New Zealand is famous for its wines it seems. Tons of wineries out here. Angela has enjoyed her local wine experiences and has never done a real tasting before so, on suggestion from Nice Girl At Chocolate Shop (NGACS), we choose a few stops. First was inside the Vines Village, a tasting seller selling Bouldevines. Angela tasted and bought their Pinot Noir Spring 2008. Onward!

Next stop was Framingham Vineyards. NGACS's family sells them grapes and thusly we go. Angela got the full-on tasting experience at this beautiful and friendly vineyard. In order, she tried the Dry Riesling '04, a Select Riesling '09, Pinot Noir '09, Pinot Noir F-Series (special kine!) '08, and a Montepulciano '08. The latter blew her palette away and she left with a bottle. Apperently its a very select wine and most vintners don't make it. Chubby grapes.

I'm pretty sure an older lady hit on me there too because of my toe shoes. She admired my feet. She photographed them. She wanted me for my Vibrams. Oh yeah.

We also went down to Framingham's wine cellar and looked around. Pretty cool, and the wife is stoked about the Montepulciano.

We bought produce from a roadside booth based on the honor system. “Money goes here. Cameras are watching,” read the sign. Oooooh K. Then we headed to Blenheim. Nothing to report in Blenheim.

More easy bends along the NZ version of PCH (Pacific Cost Highway for you non-Southern Californians), stopping at The Shop, which wasn't a shop but was a place to get an overpriced long black. Forward again to Ohau Point Lookout.

Stopped there for two reasons. 1) Ohau sounds too much like Oahu to pass by. Duh. And 2) Seals! For some reason they love the rocky shoreline and there were dozens hanging out and playing. Pups too. How cute. I'm not saying I was hoping for a shark to show up for a snack...but that would have been neat. All seals still accounted for when we left.

Passed a few police cars today. I wonder if cops are looked at differently here than at home. Here they aren't armed with anything lethal and their cars and uniforms are brightly colored and decidedly non-threatening. It seems these things, especially the gun thing and the uniform thing...mostly the gun thing, would contribute to a lack of Cop Powertripping and Piggishness. How to politely ask a local if they fear their police? Hmmm....

Other NZ things: They say “heaps” instead of “lots”. It's great. “We've got heaps of chocolate-covered cherries over there.” “I have heaps of possum yarn.” Hehe. Heaps.

And they are very non-subtle when it comes to driver advice road signs. There are tons out here but the one that got me today read, “Tired Drivers Die,” with a little car rolling over, crushed. I get it, I get it. Jeeze.

Our site tonight and tomorrow is beach front in a crowded campsite. But quiet so far. The family next to us has two French-speaking munchkins, probably two and four, who are very adorable. Munchkins speaking foreign languages or heavily accented English and even better than adults. I'm a tough guy. Grrrr.

Got advice for the rest of our time on South Island from Nice Guy in Gift Shop Thing At Holiday Park. NGIGSTAHP said, and I quote, “Christchurch is rubbish, why you want to go there? Just another town, fulla shops.” Then he grabbed a map and marked out where we should go to, “see New Zealand.” We like his plan. Will do, NGIGSTAHP. Much thanks!

Dinner time. Chicken and veggies! Yum.

NZ- Sunday, 12/26

2011-01-20T19:28:00.001-08:00

Sunday, 12/26- En Route to Piction, South Island via Bluebridge Ferry (Boxing Day)

(ed. note: This originally started, when I was writing it in my head, with, “Ow. Fuck. Oh god. Fuckfuckfuck. Ow.” I tried to class that up a little.)

Most plays, books, and movies are divided into three or five acts. In either case Act I is used to introduce the characters and set up the story. It ends and Act II begins with the first major conflict. “Getting your characters stuck in a tree,” I tell my students. Act II consists of throwing rocks at the characters, and Act III gets them down. Last night and this morning we ended Act I and I had serious concerns about needing an extended intermission.

I woke up around 11pm last night. We hadn't been asleep long. A pain woke me up. A pain I know all too well and live in constant fear of. A sharp stabbing in my left kidney. Fuck. No. Not here. Not now. I, friends and readers, am about to enter an indeterminate amount of time going between serious agony and mere shooting, throbbing pain. While camping. In another country.

Oh good.

Without going in to too much detail, because who wants that, I just say I spent the night going between the camp bathroom and Captain Slow, never really sleeping, trembling, cursing, and talking to myself (for encouragement) and my body (commanding it to either expel the offender or magically heal). It makes for a long, awful night. We prepared for this, bringing my scrip of Vicoden and Uroxitrol from the last attack, but nothing was staying down long enough to do any good.

I didn't know what to do. For most of the night I was positive I wouldn't be able to travel, let alone drive, today. Too much pain, too unpredictable. But today was one of the days of the trip we had to be somewhere. We needed to get to Wellington, a short 30k jaunt from camp, to catch our ferry to South Island. It's too late to get a refund. Catch it or eat it. Then what to do with the return tickets? Angela offered to drive and would have I'm sure, because she's a major trooper. She stayed up half the night with me, nothing she could do to really help, but offering moral support. But take my early difficulties with Captain Slow and add a basic unfamiliarity with a manual transmission and we have a nervous-making situation.

At around 10am or so I woke up, having managed a little sleep though not much. Angela suggested a warm shower might relax the muscles and aid passage. She was very worried about me but is too strong to show it. I wasn't in quite as bad of pain as earlier so I decided to give a shower a shot.

Post-shower I felt better. As good as one can feel with a small sharp rock cutting its way from kidney to bladder. I could stand up straighter. I was fighting for my inner Jedi and getting through this. On the long motorcycle trip she suffered through days of an undiagnosed asthma attack (another fear on this trip) and Too Good was dead sick for some but got those days done.

I put my foot down, gently, and decided I would be the one to drive to the grocery store, our first stop. While she went in and shopped I found a restroom and continued the fight. To my surprise I felt a sharp stab of pain in a place no man wants but in this case it was almost welcome. I've been here before too. Bladder spasm and pain means the stone has moved and is no longer cutting through the kidney tubes. One more push and *clink* I hear the bastard hit porcelain. Mine. Slowly the aches and pains fade to a dull throb, protesting their mistreatment. I fished my stone out (souvenir!), washed well, and headed back to Captain Slow.

Angela met me there and we both breathed sighs of relief at how quickly the episode passed. Almost 11pm to 11:30am, thats fast for this. I've had them go on for days. Could have been much worse, though it didn't feel like that at the time.

Relieved and in high spirits we went on to the New Zealand capitol city of Wellington. We had a hot tip that the Te Papa museum was both interesting and free, so that's where we went.

Te Papa was both of the above. But neither Angela nor I had gotten much sleep and a museum sleepy, even a really good museum, is a hard thing. We enjoyed what we could and did some cultural learning then went out to walk around Wellington. I gotta say, compared to some of the other places we've been Wellington wasn't great. Ok, not great. I'm sure my night's ordeal and sleep debt contribute to this opinion.

Its Christmas at home today we thought it would be fun to Skype home. McDonalds, we were told, has a free wi-fi network. So, for this first time in years, to McD's! Fail. Network there was, free it was, but for some reason Angela's phone was having none of it. Finding a net cafe is now a high priority. We are not dead!

In Te Papa I made Angela take a bunch of pictures of the exhibits I can share with my kids. They want trip pictures? Whip some education on 'em! That'll teach them to be interested in my life...some of them would have really dug this place.

Also, an Aussie said, “G'day,” to me today. Awesome! There is a friendly (I think) rivalry between the sub-continent and its southern island cousins. To sum it up, a Rugby World Cup shirt I've seen reads, “There's no crying in rugby! (Unless you're Australian!)” We need to get in on this!

The wind in Wellington is severe in the extreme and it made it cold. It also made it hard to open car doors. For her, not me. Grrrr, tough guy.

In my continuing efforts to figure out cricket I forced Angela listen to it on the radio for a while today. This is less helpful because I don't know what any of the terms mean. I don't know why the announcer is so excited. I'm not as sure about importing cricket as I am about rugby. Rugby is like (American) football but without pads. Cricket is kind of baseball but without bases...and in white polo shorts. Meh.

Ok, I survived my stone this am, I will not be fine with the mild rocking of the boat (ship!) as we cross islands through the Sound. Hope we find somewhere to park tonight. We make berth at midnight.

NZ- Saturday, 12/25

2011-01-19T21:44:00.001-08:00

Saturday, 12/25 Camp Eldson- Porirua- Christmas Day

So this is Christmas. Well, Merry Christmas. As Tiny Tim nearly said, “God bless us, everyone. Except the Jews. They already got a holiday.”

What started out as a simple is somewhat solitary driving day opened up very nicely by the end of the night. We got up early, had breakfast, dumped our gray water, filled our main water, and hit the road.

The plan was to straight shot it all the way to Wellington, a 300+ km haul. Most of the way it was an easy 80-100km/h drive. The wind made it interesting sometimes.

Today the wind was ubiquitous. It was always there. It made the drive louder and Captain Slow shudder and shake. I only noticed it when there was no wind. It was like the line they used in M*A*S*H once a season. There would be heavy shelling all episode and then it would stop all of the sudden and Hawkeye would say, “Hey, do you here that?” And someone else would say, “What? I don't here anything.” And he'd exclaim, “Exactly!” That was the wind today.

In my continuing trampoline watch, I saw more today. New Zealand is the trampoline capitol of the world.

It is also a civilized country. This means that nothing nothing nothing was open today. We stopped at three closed petrol stations before finding an open on. Do gas stations in the states ever close? Everything being closed did mean that we made no stops today and pushed straight through for about five hours. Unremarkable for the most part.

New Zealand's travel ministry does not believe in straight roads. Every road in this country bends and twists over the landscape, becoming a part of it rather than cutting through it. This led to minor bike sad early in the day, with big sweepers and twisties for kilometers. And later, major bike sad.

The 2 between Featherston and Upper Hut is a brutal 13km stretch of mountain pass awesome. Higher and higher we climbed, with hairpins and 35, 20km/h. It would have been an intense two-wheeled challenge. I'm not even sure fun is the right word. Fun like a triathlon is fun. Fun because you did it. Fun because its hard. Truth: some of the mountain would have been a little scary. But so worth it. Angela was glad for the caravan over the bike. I was whimpering and giggling the whole time. And I was good again at not being That Guy. It doesn't help when the views are that astounding and pristine. I'm going to need to buy a thesaurus soon to keep coming up with adjectives to describe this place. Not a bad problem to have.

Angela skillfully naviguessed us to our campsite and we arrive about 2pm. Very early for us. We decided since everything is closed anyway we could have a guilt-free decompress day. So she napped and I played PSP and read. She also finished knitting my beanie, which is coming in handy because the temperature has dropped tonight and its pretty cold right now. Yay crafty wife!

We totally scored on this site. We arrived and asked for a spot and the guy in the office said, “Pick a spot. Its Christmas.” Yes! Free ninety-nine is the best price!

The camp filled some during the day and we (I) decided we should try to be social. Three pairs were sitting in a small group by their campers talking so I walked over and inserted myself into the conversation. Being the friendly and interesting people they are, they welcomed us into the group and we spent the rest of the night hanging out and getting to know each other.

One couple, a boyfriend/girlfriend, is from Holland and the other male/female couple is from Brussels. The third, two guys, didn't say much but were also Dutch.

Dinner was great and it was really nice to sit and chat with non-American travelers. My ego is blown by their command of English. The woman from Brussels said she can handle or French, Dutch, some German, and English. Fuck. We need to get on the ball.

The Dutch guy was super-gregarious and awfully funny. He had an iPod full of Christmas music playing in the background the whole time. It was nice to hear non-Americans say they find the Palin to be insane and scary and they know we aren't all like that. We didn't bring it up, they did. How much do you know about politics in the Netherlands? Me neither. But they know us.

We shared wine and also exchanged a camping guidebook that we had extra of for a thing of salt they had extra of. Thus goes the economy of caravaning.

Hope we see them in the am and maybe around Wellington tomorrow. Going to try not to shiver too much tonight.

(ed. Note: FAIL! But not so much because of the cold. Tune in next time, campers!)

NZ- Friday, 12/24

2011-01-18T20:35:00.000-08:00

Friday, 12/24 Affordable West Shore Holiday Park – Napier

It's Christmas Eve, but the only reason I can tell is the shopkeeper's, “Merry Christmas.” Time loses some meaning traveling like this. We know what day our ferry to South Island leaves and returns and we know what day our plane takes off (but not lands). These are our only benchmarks of time. So the holiday is very external this year. This should make me sad.

It was brisk this morning, prompting a long sleeve which I promptly traded for a t-shirt once we got walking. Today was good if only because it wasn't a travel day. It was good for other reasons of course, but even if was had sat in the caravan park all day it still would have been good.

An aside to describe New Zealand: I read in the paper a few days back that a man robbed a bar in Auckland with a knife. Yes, a knife. How strange is that to an American? You think bartender, a few staff, some patrons...we could take one guy with a knife. He can't have my wallet. A gun? Yeah, here. It's empty. Sorry. Teacher. But a knife? No way. But these people aren't armed like we are. Their cops don't pack. The public isn't strapped. Like Robin Williams once said about the English police, “You don't have a gun, they don't have a gun. If they're chasing you it's like, 'Stop! Or I'll say stop again!'” Happy ending, they caught the guy a half hour later. What boring crime.

Anyway, we spent most of the day checking out Napier. Its claim to fame is being the Art Deco city of NZ. Seems most of the town burned down a few decades ago and they thought it would be cute to do it up Art Deco style during the rebuild. So all the building have a 1930's America feel to them. Which isn't what I want from a New Zealand town. Be more rustic, damnit! So we were both underwhelmed by Napier as an Art Deco town. As a place to wander around and shop it was ok.

Our big time was spent at the aquarium. The New Zealand National Aquarium, a big deal. And decently nifty. Worth the price of admission. Angela loves aquariums. We probably took half a card's worth (welcome to the 21^st century!) of pictures just walking through. The only thing they had neither of us had seen before was the Kiwi Room. It was kept very dark and no flash was allowed so as not to scare the birds. So we saw them but the camera couldn't. Bigger birds than either of us imagined. Large cantaloupe-sized bodies. Thought they were smaller. Neat.

The walk-through underwater tube with sharks and rays was cool too. We went twice. Shark!

Lunch was sandwiches and snacks in the caravan and then off to the wander! I've talked about our impression of the town. The only finds we found were a good picture frame with a Maori twist meaning two lives joining as one and rugby shirt salt and pepper shakers (at some point we started collecting salt and pepper shakers. I don't know). We happened upon a camping store that sold Vibram FiveFingers and had a good talk with one of the sales guys, who managed to sell me two pairs of toe socks. I need more anyway. He said VFFs have only been available in country six months or so. Score one for America, still number one in product placement. On the way back to the caravan my nose led us to a bakery and we left with a fresh pesto baguette. We nibbled from the paper bag. It is excellent. We are doing very well eating local. More on that in a tic or two.

On impulse we drove a few km to Havelock North. The guide book said there was an excellent wine store there and Angela wants to try some more NZ wine. I want to have zero hang-ups about this. So far I'm doing ok.

It being Christmas Eve, the wine shop, Advintage, closed at 3:30. We got to the door at 3:40. D'oh! If only we hadn't stopped for coffee. But what good coffee.

Not sure if I've mentioned this, but NZ does not have straight brewed coffee, The closest I can get is a long black, which is an espresso with hot water added to make it fill the cup. Whatever, I've adjusted an no longer stare at the nice lady behind the counter wondering why I can't just have a cup of joe. We bought a bag of their dark. It smells divine. 100% locally grown and roasted.

Two more stops before we got back, both at produce/food shops/stands. At the one in Havelock North we (she) bought some veggies and a bottle of Frizzle Pinot Nior 2008. At the little stand outside of town we (she) bought more veggies and fruit. Everything local. We like this. Healthy and more fun. Mmmm, native and fresh lettuce, tomato, and avocado salad.

I hadn't run all trip and the guilt was starting to bug me. So today when we got back to camp I decided it was a jog day. We're doing laundry and showers today anyway. Well guess which moron forgot his running shorts at home. Go ahead, guess. Clue: Angela hates running.

I swear I got them out and packed them. That means right now a pair of workout shorts are sitting sadly on the bed wondering why I didn't love them enough to bring them on the trip and how I could be so clue as to taunt them by getting them out like that. So I ran in my board shorts. Good enough. Not fast, kinda slow, ok pace. Don't know how far but I ran for thirty minutes, so whatever that is in metric. Maintenance is all that is. Have to do it more. Once a week will not cut it.

Some she-devil took both laundry machines and we are having to wait for her stuff before we can start. Jerk.

And I got soap in my eyes during my shower because I mistimed the how water cycle (50 cents for 4 minutes). By the time I blindly found my 50 cent coin I was calmly wondering if I'd burned my corneas out. Scown.

Windy today. Got real bad on the way back from Havelock North. Captain Slow is not good in gusting winds. He dances and pushes and makes the wife nervous. I was fine except once, a big gust hit us just as we were clearing a wind-break and pushed us almost on to the shoulder. Not fun. Hope it dies down tonight so we don't get bounced around in our sleep.

Wonder if Santa will find us? I may have written her a little something so she has something to open on Christmas. Awwww.

NZ- Thursday, 12/23

2011-01-17T15:58:00.000-08:00

Thursday, 12/23- Affordable West Shore Holiday Park- Napier
What a long driving day today! But on some incredible roads that gave me motorcycle sad. More on that later.

We woke us rested, if a little stiff. The bed is ok, it'll do. It's the table, dropped down between the benches, then the seat pads become the mattress. We had some of our local coffee and it is excellent. Wish I had more to take home. Have to keep searching for new kinds. There was only a few clouds in an otherwise deep blue sky and it stayed that way all day. Hooray for no rain!

First off was an easy drive to Rotorua, suggested to me by Mr. Sing from school. Pretty cool little town. Our main business there was the museum/bathhouse. Watched a movie on the volcano eruption that destroyed the area and the local beliefs surrounding it. Elsewhere in the museum we watched a very moving doc on the Maori contribution to World War II. Worth the money right there.

The whole building used to be a world class spa/bathhouse, using the supposed healing properties of the hot spring sulfur pools all over the area. These same pools gave Rotorua the wonderful aroma of rotten eggs is the wind carried right.

Ate lunch at a cafe suggested by a heavier (but not fat) employee of the museum. Good deal, great food, awful service. First place that it was clear wait staff here doesn't work for tip because they are paid a real wage. Our waiter sucked on all levels. Of course he wasn't a loca. He was...American! A Texan, damnit! Fail.

We walked through the town, a cute little tourist trap, but didn't buy. There were five (!) cycling shops. I've decided I need to bring home a New Zealand cycling jersey as it is more affordable than it seems at first blush. NZ$105 is not US$105. Must keep that in mind to help the self-delusion. I might bring one home. Its a wearable souvenir! So there.

We also had the worst grocery experience ever. I'm not even going to touch on parking, but the place was a madhouse. Pak N Save is Costco but with WalMart's DNA. All those fatties we've not seen? They shop here. It was not fun at all. Crazy busy. Part of it was people prepping for their Christmas feasts but I think its always a little like this. We made a team decision not to go back to another.

I've noticed the occasional barefooter out and about in public. I wonder if it is slightly more acceptable here or if I'm just noticing all the alt-people.

The drive to Napier was as epic as any I've ever been on. I have so much to say. To start, our trip is real because we made a U-turn and everyone knows its not a real trip unless you've done that. Also, Captain Slow has come equipped with a radio and a tape deck. That's right, a tape deck. There are exactly four places in the world that still sell tapes and none of those are near to us. So that means we get stuck with whatever radio stations come in. Two problems: 1) We are traveling long distances each day and out-pacing every decent station I can lock on to. 2) Most of today was up and down mountain passes. So something would come in and then static away, and so on. A few times I would tell the radio to search and it would be quietly scanning the airwaves for five minutes or more. This, by the way, it just long enough to forget the radio is scanning and be startled by the half-static blast of reception it does manage to pull through the ether.

But the 5. Oh, the 5. Epic. To begin, everything about this trip is slightly more dramatic than it would be normally. Captain Slow makes it more dramatic. He is big and he is loud. We must speak up to be heard across the cavernous cab. He blows in the wind and struggles mightily up grades. This makes things more exciting.

The landscape it also dramatic. You've seen Lord of the Rings. Wow. Today we spent kilometer after awesome kilometer on a bendy two-lane mountain roadway that would have easily become my number one or two motorcycle road ever. It was, not to belabor the point, epic. I spent the entire time in Bike Jealous spasms. Oh, Ms. Riley and I would have destroyed it.

Along with that, I am very conscious of not being That Guy. We all know That Guy in a caravan on these roads. Captain Slow is not built for the bends, the climbs, and the descents (ok, maybe the descents). He is, well, slow. And he sucks to be behind. I tried to be very good about using turn-offs and passing lanes to not be in the way. There was a short stretch, maybe .5k, where a sport bike was stuck behind me and I had nowhere to go. I felt so bad. I was apologizing out loud to him. All in all, I think Captain Slow and I did a good job of not being That Guy.

Homi-side Note: We may befriend a motorcycle owner and then either kill or disable him that I may steal his bike and ride that road. It's just a thought.

I'm also getting used to down shifting to climb. The Captain spent some time going from 4^th to 3^rd and lugging it up. Gearing is fun. Driving is becoming easier as well. Once, leaving the first camp area, I ended up on the wrong side of the road. But only for a moment and there was no one coming. Safe.

You know, I have to go back to the drive. Tall, tall, tall trees on both sides of the road, dozens of shades of green. And when there was a break in the tree line huge expanses of farmland and pasture. Words like “awesome”, “epic”, and “fantastic” were created to describe things like this. And the thing is, I'm pretty sure there are other roads on this island that compare. Amazing.

*Wife Thought of the Day* “I couldn't be laughing at you without you. You are an important part of this relationship.”

Angela does not enjoy those kinds of roads on a regular basis so she wasn't as thrilled as I. Pretty tense most of that part, actually. She sometimes seems convinced we are way too far over on her side (sometimes we are, still getting used to this) because she can see the edge of the road so clearly.

Thats not to say she's hating this. Far from. Every time we pass a herd of cattle, which happens quite often, she leans towards them and moos. And gets very excited about pointing out the baby animals. Its cute. I love her.

We drove through one campsite before finding our home for the next two nights. Spend the day in Napier tomorrow and stay here again. Yay for no long drive! That'll be nice. Yummy spag dinner again. Time to set up the bed and crash out.

NZ- Wednesday, 12/22

2011-01-16T14:37:00.000-08:00

Wednesday, 12/22 - Narrows Park, Hamilton

We are not dead.

We have not crashed, flipped, or exploded.

I have driven an unfamiliar vehicle on unfamiliar motorways just over 300k and the worst that's happened is I have a wicked bad stress knot in my trap, where I always get them. As I write the wife is preparing spaghetti dinner for our first night of camping. Its gone from sunny an hot to overcast and rainy and right now we're getting the occasional drizzle.

The day started off early, 8:30 or so, packing and preparing to check out. AT precisely 10am on the dot our Walkabout caravan arrived. The man who delivered it gave us the overview, his thoughts on where we should go, and tried not to laugh at the American tourists. He guided me to a nearby grocery store where we left him to be picked up by somebody from his company. I have the distinct impression that he was picked up, got in the car, looked at the driver and said, “Oh yeah, they're gonna die. Hahahahaha!” I would have.

Our first goal was Sheep World. My knitter was very excited about the baby lambs. I'm happy to say we didn't get lost (or destroyed) getting out of Auckland or to Sheep World. Score one for the tourists.

Sheep World was pretty cool for a place called Sheep World. It was about wool of all types, had a massive gift shop full of things useless to residents of Hawaii, and an interesting Sheep to Fashion Shop room talking about the whole process of making wool usable.

There was also a large animal part mostly full of small to medium animals. We saw a possum, rabbits, emus, miniature horses, donkeys, eels, lambs, sheep, and alpacas. Angela got to feel the eels and emus. Emus are big, quick birds. “Just hold your hand out flat and they'll eat it.” Yeah, and not a finger. I played photographer. She had lots of fun. I was not bored. Win.

From there I immediately turned the wrong direction (but into the correct lane) and had to drive at least 20k the wrong way (north) on a bendy two-lane road. Damnit,

This is as good a time as any to detail my issues piloting Captain Slow. I've named the caravan in honor of James “Captain Slow” May of Top Gear fame because its not American and because thats how I'll be driving for the next two and a half weeks.

The pedals are right but the stick is on the left. The wipers and turn signals are reversed and I've made that mistake a few times. Got the wife to laugh to laugh for a kilometer when I tried flashing my lights at someone to come in but instead double squirted the windshield wiper fluid. *salad pause* Right turns feel like left turns and lefts feel like rights. I have to remember the white line should be on my side and the grass on hers. To be sure I'm turning from the correct lane to the correct lane I've taken to following the guy in front of me and hoping he knows what he's doing. And roundabouts are a little nerve-wracking because I don't want to annoy the bloke behind me. Also, we're very tall *pause for laughter* and have been getting blown around the road. I also yclept the caravan Forrest instead of Captain Slow for just that reason. But Forrest was American. And retarded.

We got turned around and back on the course we'd decided on in the Sheep World parking lot. Very pretty. Cool view of Auckland from the bridge. We spent $70 on gas for ¾ of a tank then stocked up on groceries.

We got a little *figuring out how to light the stove without blowing us up pause* lost trying to find our first camp because we did not plan ahead all that well, but a few minutes in a Yamaha parking lot with maps fixed that.

And now we're here and set up for the night. Another long day, but a different kind of long.

One thing both of us have noticed is not-quite-hidden racism towards the Japanese. I'm pretty sure they are buying and moving here at an alarming rate. But two otherwise very pleasant people have used the term “Japs” which I'm pretty sure would get you punched (or karate chopped) at home.

Something I've found myself thinking is, “Wow, this petrol station/motorway/store/whatever is so nice.” Like I expect it to be less nice than America because it is so very not America. Its like my brain is shouting at the petrol station, “Be more rustic, damnit!”

Time to close up for the night. Hopefully its not too cold or uncomfortable because if it is we'll have to figure out how to live with it,

*A Very Short Time Later*Oh yeah! Almost forgot. We needed cash to get our campsite and she (the nice lady at the desk/office/room in her house) directed us to the airport. Tiny little place but it had and ATM. It also had an invisible speed bump that startled the three of us (Angela, me, and the Captain) and make us jump. Funny now. Then, not so much. That is all.

NZ Pictures Day 3 & 4

2011-01-16T13:23:00.000-08:00

Day 3- Playgrounds and Devonport

Weee!

Weeee!

Weeeeeeeeeeeeee! Woah! Almost died.

Woah woah woah woah, "How do I get off?"

Best. Playground. Ever.

Nice park.

B-b-b-bacon?!? On chips!

Cheese and ham pie

Awwwww

Off to Devonport

Devonport from the ferry

We present: Auckland!

Snow globe in the park.

OMG! OMGOMGOMG!

Let's see...I brought an extra suitcase...

Yarn shopping is hard

Observing yarn shopping is hard

Ice cream cone horn. Calling all Ice Cream Beings!

Season 3.1 of SAMCRO: The boys go to Devonport and eat ice cream and yarn shop.

Can you hear the sobbing children?

G'bye!

No metal at the ferry terminal? Denied.

SHARK BUS!!!!

They love Vulcans here.

TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL!

Mmmmm, Hell pizza and breadsticks

Day 4- Introducing Captain Slow and SheepWorld

Introducing Captain Slow!

Sharka is my copilot

Stay on the left. Right? No, wait...damnit...

Hello Sheeps!

Like its a menu

Did you see me stick any in my bag? No? Good.

What's a "metre?"

Everyone's favorite game!

Feathers aren't wool?

I looked everywhere for metal sheep. This explains a lot.

Thou art bacon

Possum! (Import that took over the islands. People hate possums, except knitters...)

The lady who took this was amused

Alpaca

Mini horses! Where are midgets when you need them?

Eel feeding

"No, he won't eat your fingers."

One, two, three, four, five..whew!

Why are the sheep pink? Oh, Kool-Aid. That's...less interesting

As a resident of Hawaii I am legally required to shaka at the camera

Tree!

That is so interesting. Trees have "branches" and "leaves."

I found it!

Hmmm, I see

Bevis and Butthead

This little pig was wandering all over the farm

Are you a prince? (Disney joke!)

You have so many things I want.

All together now, "Awwwwww."

I got summa your brother in the fridge.

You are so cute...I mean, grrr, I'm tearing your head off! Grr..mmmm, soft.

And now for some scenic shots:

Find space for the first time

I'm "helping"

Captain Slow's first night

Angela's Teeny Tiny Kitchen Macro-edition

Yum!

What? I was just getting more? What?

NZ Pictures Day 1 & 2

2011-01-15T22:41:00.000-08:00

Day 1- The Airplane and Time Travel

The first picture of the trip, being electronically prepared for nine hours on a plane

Da foods

Da dessert

Da wife foods

Da Dirtbag's foods

Giant and slightly scary Santa on top of a book store

Wait, this is real money?

Where is the yarn?

Mmmm, sammich

Wonder what they fix here

Yes. Yes yes yes

Something for both of us

My teeny tiny coffee. This would continue to be a problem

Greasy fish n' chips!

Whatever it was that she had that was better than what I had

Day 2 - Epic Walk and Yummy Dinner

Our starting point for the 16k Coast to Coast walk

The Pacific ocean

Tree tunnel

Can you spot the building? It's cleverly hidden.

Yellow arrows are our friends

Museum we walked by but didn't go in

For some reason with tree with a big fence and then a little fence is special. Its also a pretty tree

What the hell do they play here? Cricket? How?

The next few are from Auckland Grammar School:

Students who have gone on to be All Blacks

I don't know what it says, but it sure says it purdy

Honoring faculty with over 25 years in

Main Hall, filled with 2,500 14-18 year old boys every morning. "Silent?" "Silent."

The Headmaster's podium

Classroom

Classroom with super sneaky picture of Dep. Headmaster John (and Angela's butt)

Old School (get it? Ha!)

The top of Mt. Eden:

Wait, you don't call it smog here? Clouds? Really?

Hey, they have a thing telling how far we are from where we were in some strange unit of measurement!

Proper footwear? Check.

LOOSE METAL!!!! \m/

A path! A path!

Every urinal in the country looks like this. The bathroom was empty. Do you stand on the grate and hit the wall or on the tile and go through the grate? Its the former, but it took me days to be sure by watching someone else

Get up and walk! (Lord of the Rings joke #1!)

Ahead there be sheeps...

Hello sheeps. Bring me wool!

Success!

The Tasman Sea

Cheers!

Hello duck! Nomnomnom

Good night.

NZ- Tuesday, 12/21

2011-01-15T22:15:00.001-08:00

Tuesday, 12/21- 22:17- Rydges Hotel, Auckland

Another long day is at an end. Not as long as yesterday, but still a day filled with walking and exploring (and shopping).

We started in search of Market #2. “65 Shops!' the ad proclaimed. Yeah, maybe if there is no construction going on. Maybe six shops. So we wandered through, basic tourist stuff. Reminds me of the International Marketplace at home.

The next stop was the grocery store. Why? Breakfast and snack stuff. And I married someone who likes grocery stores, Yay...

It actually resulted in a nice breakfast in the park, sampling NZ pastries and mixed nuts and bananas. Felt very healthy and we had food for later.

The weather today was the total opposite of the last two. Barely overcast, very sunny, downright warm sometimes. One lady said it felt like high summer temperatures. Felt like home.

Having failed in our market quest we were open for suggestions on how to spend the rest of the day. We felt like we should do the museum. But we wanted to hop a ferry and check out Devonport. So thats what we did.

First though, we stopped in at the harbour's Official Rugby World Cup 2011 Store. Very cool. I wish America got in to this kind of national team thing outside of the Olympics. We pretended to care about the Soccer World Cup, but didn't really. And Angela claims we field a rugby team but no one knows or cares. We should! America should be a part of all these huge worldwide sporting events. We'd get beat up for a while, that would be good for the national ego. This is another thing I'll have to take care of when I am Grand Ruler. America shall give a shit about the sports beyond its borders. I have spoken.

We barely made the ferry, bought our tickets with two minutes to spare and enjoyed a short (approx. 12 minutes) boat ride across the harbour to the seaside town of Devonport. Really cute little place, a lot like every other touristy port town I've ever been to, but with better accents.

It was here we discovered our first yarn shop of the trip. The wife + NZ yarn shop = skipping across the street giggling. The owner/operator was a very nice lady who talked to us about all kinds of stuff and helped Angela buy some genuine NZ sock yarn and four balls of possum yarn. Squee for her.

We also bought a bag of freshly ground on the premises coffee that smells wonderful. Every so often we'd get a puff of smell from the bag. Yum!

We bought ice cream and sat in the park to people watch. There was a giant inflatable snow globe with a long line (queue?) of people waiting to go inside. Its main purpose seemed to be making children cry when they're time was up and they were told they had to get out. We also watch a group of young boys water balloon bomb a group of slightly older girls. Very funny. And I observed children playing cricket and I STILL don't get it!

Forgot to mention we played on the equipment meant for children at the park where we ate breakfast. Fun! No death!

Ferry back to Auckland then back to the room to relax. Dinner was a 20 minute walk to a pizza place with excellent marketing called Hell. Yes, Hell. Like, “Welcome to Hell, what would you like?” We ordered a small Trouble and a small Purgatory. Very good.

Angela's foot hurts again and I think the walk back from Hell hurt more than she let on. Tomorrow will be lighter. Oh yeah, Aunt Steph, the Gorillaz were in town tonight for the las show of their tour. We walked by the area. *Yawn*

Back in the room now, wife icing her foot. Hope its ok. She also used the map to figure out how we get where we want to go tomorrow. Tomorrow, you see, we get the camper. I get to drive a large, unfamiliar vehicle from the wrong side of the caravan on the wrong side of the road through unfamiliar city streets and traffic. I'm a little nervous about killing us. It wouldn't be so bad if we didn't start from the city centre. I'll just have to be a fast learner and stay calm. Angela knows I get frustrated in situations like this and I'm going to do my best to stay calm, cool, and collected. Like Fonzy. It won't be too bad, just new is all. I'm nearly positive we won't explode.

Also tomorrow is Sheep World. (non-sarcastic) Yay! I want an All Blacks shirt and a NZ cycling jersey and a tattoo. We'll see what I come home with.

-22:50-

NZ- Monday 12/20

2011-01-14T00:17:00.000-08:00

Monday, 12/20- 21:57- Rydges Hotel, Auckland

Today we took a long walk. 16K (about 10 mi) from the Pacific ocean starting at Viaduct Harbour, all the way to the Tasman Sea. Angela's been geeked about this city hike for weeks. I just like exploring by foot rather than by bus and it feels healthy to walk all day.

We set off at about 9:30, finding the start/end marker rather easily. This was nice. The route was marked clearly (for the most part) with yellow arrows pointing us in the correct direction. Only once or twice did we worry we had missed an arrow or did we get stuck at an arrowless corner and resort to checking the map. Good on ya, NZ people who planned the coast to coast walk!

From the harbour we walked through town and up a steep hill, through a mini-park with an overhanging tunnel of trees. Lots of parks on this hike, lots of monuments. Looking at the guide book there were also lots of historic buildings but we didn't really notice those. Not much for architecture.

Our yellow pointers pointed us next through the University of Auckland. A very pretty campus which we didn't get to see much of, just enough to know it looked very nice. More on NZ education in a bit.

Something the both of us noticed and remarked upon was that we don't have any idea which way to look when crossing the street. Cars are coming from the wrong side, we naturally look the wrong way first. Oy! So we just look both ways now, like we tell the kids.

Our path took us directly through a gorgeous, well-maintained park which was marked and set up for some sport or another, but not an American one. Luckily for me, there was an old man eating lunch on the nearby bleachers so I asked him. He said it was set up for cricket, explaining why it was called a “bowling green”. (Pitching in cricket is called bowling...I think. I still don't get this game at all.)

Next came what is probably my favorite part of the walk because I'm a huge dork and also because I can't believe how lucky we got. We passed the Auckland Grammar School and I wanted to check it out. They, like us are on Christmas holiday (and, unlike us, on their summer holiday...weird!), but there were no gates closing it off so we went in to wander through the portables on the outskirts hoping to catch a teacher to talk to. We did better. An older man, but not too old, middle-aged, was on his way out and stopped to ask if we needed help. We explained that we were teachers from America curious about his school. He lit up. Told us he is a deputy headmaster for AGS, which is a state-sponsored all-boys school for ages 15-19. There are about 2.5 thousand students at the school and, “feel free to look around,” it's a very nice school. We shook hands and went our separate ways, us into the campus and him to his school supplied housing right next to the school (!). I think he was keeping an eye on us because we were on our way out and he called us over to his gate asking if we'd looked around much. We told him only some and he immediately offered to give us a tour. Uh, hell yeah please.

He introduced himself as John and started answering all of our questions (“football” not “soccer” and anywhere from 10-35 students per class). After that he basically led us on a private tour of the campus. He could not have been prouder of his institution. Of its history or its academic and athletic standards and achievements. All over the walls were plaques commemorating student and alumni (“old boys”) accomplishments. A few times I felt the Ignorant American. “We have had 50 students go on to be All Blacks, and even All Blacks captians. Most recently _____ _____, who I'm sure you've heard of.”

...No, sorry. Wish I did though.

Many times John emphasized “this is an academic institution first.” The place backed up his claim with classrooms for every subject (Japanese, marketing, all arts, computers, etc) everywhere and all well stocked.

Talk about an all access tour! He let us in to their newest gym, then the one he used when he went to school there, then the one that used to be a gym when the school opened over 100 years ago but is now used as a study hall.

Then he took us in to the main hall, three levels where the entire school assembles each and every morning first thing and the headmaster leads them in the morning prayer, does announcements, and hands out awards and acknowledgements. According to deputy headmaster John the boys talk quietly until the bell rings at quarter past nine, then are silent. “Silent?” I asked. “Silent.” I am duly awed.

THEN, as if this weren't enough, we got to see the teacher's lounge and a classroom. (ed. note: I realize at this point, 5,000 words into a description of the school, it may occur to you that I'm playing some Andy Kaufman-esque joke on my readers by going into such extraordinary detail...but I'm not. I really dug this and needed to write a blow-by-blow account. I'm a nerd.) So cool. On every wall of the Main Hall (of everywhere really) there were pictures and plaques. Sports teams (each student plays at least one sport), academic leaders, old boys, headmasters, senior teachers. Evident and overwhelming school pride.

I think we got so lucky because we looked and sounded interested, are educators ourselves, and also because we gave him a chance to show off. It was practically a prepared tour, he almost never stopped talking except to let us ask a question. Pride. “How many of your students go on to university?” I asked. “99%. We are an academic institution,” came the immediate, straight-faced response. No bragging, stating a fact.

I must admit, some things I missed because I was looking around, listening to his accent, and trying to fit his terms with my American version of them. Kind of embarrassed to say that my knowledge of this type of school comes mainly out of reading Harry Potter novels. That's how I knew what forms are and why being a head-boy and a prefect is a valuable and sought-after position. Nerd.

Very, very cool. Can't explain what a treat it was.

We walked on through a few more parks, making the long climb to the top of Mt. Eden. Would have been an astounding view but it was really overcast so not so much. It was nice to know, as an LA-area child, that the overcast was actual clouds and not Los Angeles's very special man-made mist.

Trekked down, through a neighborhood, and back up to what might have been Angela's favorite part. But before we get there, I saw at least three trampolines in yards, including deputy headmaster John's, during our walk. This seems like a whole lot considering the sample size. Is Auckland the trampoline capitol of the world? Dear Google...

Anyway, we were both getting hungry by now. We hadn't eaten all day, planning on grabbing a bagel at a cafe as we passed. Not so much. But the map says there's a restaurant at the top of this next park. Yay! ...Booo. We are not spending NZ$60 on lunch. Keep going.

Which is when we met our first New Zealand sheep, freshly shorn and grazing all over the side of the mountain. Angela got a kick out of meeting the producers of her favorite material.

Down and out and we are nearing the end of our hike. We stopped at the Frolic Cafe for a good, healthy lunch and maybe 45 minutes later we reached our goal, a small lagoon beach next to the Tasman Sean. Hooray!

Hop on the right bus and back we go. I got to look stupid on the bus, handing the driver my fiver while he stares at me. Uh, what? “Where are you going so I know what to charge?” Ohhhh, I'm an idiot.

Oh! I forgot! I have super park jealous. We passed a child-sized zipline and some fancy tire (tyre) swing and a swing built for wheelchairs. In the states? All kinds of lawsuits waiting to happen. Here? Happy, healthy, and safe children using them all. And not dying.

We were back at the hotel at 17:54, making it a long day out. But great. Showers, a little relaxing, then back out for an astounding dinner at the O'Connell Street Bistro. NZ$150 and worth every penny. I had duck, she had lamb, and it was amazing. She had a 2008 Pinot Noir Churton from Malborough which the waitress recommended to compliment the lamb (her first NZ wine). NZ$16 a glass, and the waitress, a friendly Canadian on a work visa, switched wine glasses to the proper one (?) before she poured. Apparently it was very good. Thus endeth the local wine report.

To close today's extra-long entry I give you two observations:

No fatties. Where are the huge fat people? We've seen healthy, slightly heavy, I-used-to-be-fit-but-now-I'm-in-my-40s-and-50s-and-can't-keep-it-all-off people, but none of America's blobs. We really are a fat ass country.
No urban assault vehicles. Everyone everyone EVERYONE we saw owns a reasonably-sized car or a van. There were no obscene, eye-sore, gas hog, road monsters. And we spent many hours walking and traveling along, near, or on roads today. I saw one Hummer, and it looked like it was being used for mobile advertising.

So, no obese people, no obese autos. Makes me want to go knock on John's door. “Can we have a job?” (They have openings, and pay is crap here too. Can't be worse than HI though.)

The wife fell asleep at some point while I was scribbling this. We are both foot sore today, though I held up quite nicely in my VFF TrekSports. Her foot is slightly swollen and sore. Had her ice, hope pain is gone in the am.

Night!

-23:13

NZ- Sunday, 12/129

2011-01-12T18:39:00.000-08:00

Saturday, 12/19 8:00am (NZ)- Rydges Hotel, Aukland

Surprisingly easy trip through baggage claim and customs. I now have a stamp in my passport! Yay! Short walk and then on to the bus, 30 minute or so bus ride and then another walk up a very steep hill to our hotel. They let us check in even though its prohibitively early in the morning. So early, in fact, that nothing is open yet. This led to us wondering if this was one of those Closed on Sunday countries.

Its not. Whew.

We are in room 619 and it is very nice. No harbour (notice the NZ spelling with “ou”) view for us, just a view of the next building over. No complaints.

Strange not to start sending arrival texts right away. Putting my phone in my pack and not thinking about it for three weeks.

Everything's in metric and the cars are on the wrong side of the road. Should make for interesting driving. Weather is very overcast right now, but not cold. Doesn't feel too different from home on the skin yet. Probably because its a southern hemisphere island. Similar climate.

We're both tired but we're going to forgo naps in favor of showers. Its the best way to fight jet lag. Sample NZ coffee instead.

Everyone is very nice so far.

Hope my feet hold up in the Vibrams ok. More later. Think we might get matching tattoos by the end of the trip too.

19:33

Felt like a busy, long day today and I'm feeling pretty beat. We just walked to a Belgian pub for dinner and atmosphere. I had fish and chips, which were good. But I'm not sure a bunch a fried fish on very little sleep was a great plan for the stomach. Kind of a tired, icky walk back to the hotel. Feeling lame about being back in the room when its only seven, but consoling myself with the thought that I haven't gotten a long sleep in a while. Slept maybe three hours on the plane, took a nap for about an hour and a half at two or three, and that's my sleep total since we got up Friday morning. So I'm allowed to feel lame. Maybe after my food settles we'll check out the nearby billiards club. Or we'll pass out.

Today was wander around and learn the immediate city day. The word of the day is “Rain”. Can you say, “rain”? Good. It went back and forth from crashing down in sheets to a light drizzle, but pretty much the whole time we were out we were getting rained on. Not complaining, it wasn't awful, though my feet got soaked quick in the Vibrams. Hope these were a good choice. Strong feets!

We had coffee and egg and ham sandwiches at a close-by coffee chain. I wanted the daily brew but no such luck. Got a long black. Not sure what that means and I had another at dinner. I'm determined to find and return with good local coffee, Felt like kind of a jackass standing there staring at the menu and guessing at the kind of java I wanted. At least the barista's accent was nice.

Angela's big thing today was a local market she'd read about in one of her guides. Well, either the guide played it up or the rain killed it, but there were three little tents and only one guy talked to us. Market fail. Oh well, we walk.

Did some shopping for basics and I nearly dropped NZ$90 on a cool leather hat that actually looked good on me. But when am I going to wear it again? Put it down and back away.

All Blacks stuff is everywhere. The idea of a national rugby team is something difficult to get my head around as an American. These guys worship the All Blacks and their gear is everywhere and I want some. I know, I've seen maybe ten minutes of one match, but the enthusiasm is infectious! My inner cynic is saying, “Just like a tourist visiting LA and leaving with a Laker hat.” True, but I can't help it. If I can find a decently priced jersey I'm walking out with it. They are collared and I would wear it to school. Poseur.

Something I've noticed walking the streets- NZ crosswalk technology is far superior to our own. The little light men in their signs look like they're walking! We must closely monitor this situation.

Also, I watched nearly an hour of cricket on tv today, since its not rugby season. I...don't get it. I don't know how its scored, I don't know which team is which (both were wearing white!), and I don't know why start cheering and high-fiving. Curling isn't this difficult to understand. Something about bowlers and wickets, I don't know. I'll keep trying. Always thought I could puzzle out any organized game given time. If only I knew how it was scored. Who's winning, damnit!

Two small housekeeping items: All the clocks in the hotel are on a 24 hour system instead of America's 12 and 12. Makes more sense but it has me doing x – 12 in my head to figure the time still. And the room thermostat is in Celsius not Fahrenheit so when Angela went to turn it up we had to look up where we wanted it so we didn't die.

Hope my shoes are dry for tomorrow's long city hike, and my stomach digests all the way so we can go out tonight.

Time to check out some maps.

NZ- Friday, 12/17

2011-01-10T18:53:00.000-08:00

Friday, 12/17 8:53pm (HI time), HNL-Gate 25

(editor's note: I won't be doing many of these, but I feel its fair warning that the first few days journals might be a little slower or of lower writing quality. This is due to tiredness, jet lag, and getting back in to the groove of writing a journal. It gets better quickly, I promise.)

Waiting to board the plane to NZ. Pretty excited, but first we have to get through the flight. Plenty of personal and provided in-flight distractions so I'm not too worried.

The goal of this journal is to record, daily hopefully, the events and impressions of our honeymoon to the island nation of New Zealand. This was I'll be better able to remember the trip and my immediate impressions during, as well as add later realizations and revelations as they come to me. Right now I'm enjoying listening to the New Zealand accent from the elderly gentleman across from me. Pretty sure it won't get old.

Approx 6 hours to landing

Dinner on board was very good. I had a chicken dish and Angela had beef and pasta. Hers was better. She's sleeping now.

As soon was we got on the plane we started messing with the in-seat touch screen fanciness. I watched two episodes of Top Gear and two episodes of The Big Bang Theory. Then it cut out on me and I can't get the touch screen to respond to my touch anymore. Time to get out Lost I guess.

The lady in the seat in front of me has reclined her seat as far back as it will go. I want to tap her on the top of the head but I won't.

Tired. Should try to sleep. Will make tomorrow (today?) easier.

Time to destination- 2 hours 36 minutes

Slept some! Yay!

Time to destination- 24 minutes

Captain just announced it's 5:43am on Sunday, December 19^th. We skipped Saturday. *cue Doc Brown impression* Great Scott! We found 1.21 jiggawatts!

Soon we'll be landed, then through customs where we must declare our Cliff Bars and then the train to Aukland.

NZ Introduction: The Grizwolds Go To New Zealand

2011-01-10T18:51:00.000-08:00

If I'm honest, the honeymoon was planned before the wedding. We knew where we wanted to go. We talked about how we would get around and what the basic plan would be during a hike months before a ring was bought or a proposal was thought of. Originally we were going to try to hit both New Zealand and, as I saw it referred to on a T-shirt (the most effective way of judging a culture), the West Island of Australia. This was later scrapped when we priced plane tickets for that hop and saw the amount of things to do in New Zealand.

You see, the whole “its an island” thing is very misleading. I live on an island. It isn't very big. Three weeks on this island would be more than enough time to hit every relevant thing you would like to do as a tourist. Twice.

The island of New Zealand is somewhat larger than Hawaii. So large, in fact, it is its own country. With its own money and everything. This, I think, should have been a clue. Imagine our surprise then, when we realized that three weeks is not nearly enough time to see and do a fraction of the awesome that is the NZ (and that's “Zed”, we are speaking the Queen's English after all).

The following is my daily journal from our three weeks honeymoon traveling around the land of the long white cloud and the short brown bird. It is sometimes funny, occasionally introspective, possibly serious, and may occasionally feel like being poked in the eye with a sharp stick or beaten over the head with a soapbox. It features laughs, love, food, driving on the wrong side of the road, accents, Kiwis, kiwis, pain, motorcycle sad, Top Gear jokes, cliches, hiking, boat rides, shopping, yarn, rugby, wine, school, and a caravan named Captain Slow.

And sheep. Lots and lots of sheep.

There is no way I would remember half of the trip in a year (six months. Ok, next week) if I hadn't written it all down in the very nice leather-bound journal Angela got me for my birthday pretty much for this purpose. So this is for us. For our memories and so we can look at our pictures and say, “Where was that again?” and be able to figure it out. So we know what we did this time so when we go next time we know where we've been, where we've yet to go, and where we need to revisit. But we are a sharing people, and you must be interested or you wouldn't have opened this page, so welcome to our trip.

Mind the sheep.

A Slightly Less Epic NZ Update

2010-12-30T14:43:00.000-08:00

We are in Hokitika on the South Island, sitting in a EZY Video store and I have 30 minutes on my two dollar coin. That's right, they have a two dollar coin here. Wild, right?
We've been driving all over the place and have seen tons of NZ. We did not go to Christchurch, so if you were reading about the aftershocks that have been rocking the city don't worry about us. Thats not why we didn't go, though. We didn't go because I was talking to a local about our plans and mentioned Christchurch and he said, "Don't go to Christchurch, its rubbish. Just another town, innit? Fulla shops." Then he grabbed a map and showed us a way to go that would be much better, to see "Real New Zealand." So we took him up on his suggestion.
Spent the last two days driving through the mountains and being blown away. I've taken to pulling over at pullouts just so I can really get a look at our surroundings. Epic. Everything about this country. The mountain roads and fantastic and Captain Slow (the caravan, remember?) and I are working together very well to get us through. I still have motorcycle jealous and haven't seen a rental place, which is either good or bad.
Yesterday we stopped at a tiny little mountain town called Reefton which isn't in any of our guidebooks but Angela had found a brochure for them at an iSite (place for tourists full of information on the surrounding area) we stopped at. They are having a Summer Festival and yesterday was Reefton Trots, so we checked it out. Pretty cool. Horse races but the jockeys ride on little chariots behind the horse. We didn't bet. We couldn't understand the slip. All of Reefton was out, some in their race day finest, and that was cool to see. Told one teenage girl we were from Hawaii and she turned to her friend and did the little excited arm flap and exclaimed, "Hawaii!" Oh yeah, you probably don't get many tourists here. Cool.
The food here is excellent (helps that Angela is cooking it). Still shopping as local as possible. She has bag of yarn and a few slabs of lamb in the camper so when we pass sheep on the road she says to them, "I have summa you in here with me!"
This has been a lot of fun so far. The caravan isn't as cramped feeling as I thought it was going to be. Today is New Year's Eve and we'll be spending it at camp, relaxing. Should be very nice.
Miss and love all of you (except for you, you know who you are). Happy New Year!

We Are Not Dead! (A NZ Update of Epic Proportions)

2010-12-26T12:59:00.000-08:00

Aloha from New Zealand's South Island! I am currently in Picton at the internet cafe attatched to a hostel we aren't staying at. Hopefully the internet lasts long enough for me to hammer a blog out before it crashes on me (again).
We've been having a great trip. Aukland was awesome and there was some great cuty hiking to be done, which got did. Some shopping, siteseeing, and other touristy stuff also got did. Very much the fun.
About five days ago we picked up our caravan, who I have named Captain Slow. The Captian is an excellent vehicle and a welcome addition to our adventure. Adventure sometimes equals learning to drive on the wrong side of the road, from the wrong side of the car, shifting and using turn singals with the wrong hands, and doing all this for the first time in the middle of a major city. But we aren't dead! I think I'm doing rather well, actually. Except for occasionally using the wipers to signal a turn or *splash splash*ing the windshield to let the person in front of me know they have space to come over. (Note: If you do this, your wofe who you love will laugh at you about it for the rest of the trip. "Haha, splash splash.")
Camping has been fun and with the expetion of last night we haven't had any trouble finding a campervan site. So far all of our camping, again expect last night, has been in camping parks. We expect to do some free camping down on South Island, where it might be a little more open and feasible.
We tried to Sype home on Christmas (yours, not ours). McDonalds, "Bringing America's Obesity to the World," has free Wifi, which we learned from a nice Dutch couple we camped next to for a night. "Go for the internet, not the food," he told us. Well, for whatever reason McD's wifi and Angela's Skype on her phone doesn't work together. So Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all back in the states and pretend that you're talking to us on the phone saying that.
New Zealand is beautiful, as everyone knows from Lord of the Rings. That, by the way, seems to be the biggest movie in the world here. LotR stuff is everywhere. But no hobbitts yet. We will find them, those filthy nasty Hobbittses, yes we will. Thinking about hiking around Mount Doom when we get back to North Island.
We've done two museum, getting our culture on. We've taken over 600 pictures, which we are going to painstakingly go through with each and every one of you untl you feel like you were right here with us the whole trip.
Kiwis are almost clichely friendly. The worst service we've had in a restaraunt so far has been because our server was an American import from...wait for it....Texas! Ohhh, thank you for playing. But smiles, help, and wonderful accents from everyone else. I love listening to these people talk!
On our city hike through Aukland we passed the Aukland Grammer School, a massive all boys public high school. We wandered through just to get a look at it (and because when teachers visit other countries they have to see what schools look like) and accidently met up with the deputy headmaster (vice principal). The school is on Christmas holiday, like ours, but he was so proud of it he stopped what he was doing and gave us a full on tour. Amazing. My mind is blown both by the school and by Dep. Headmaster John hooking us up like that.
I'm suffering from an acute case of bike envy and bike sad and bike jealous. New Zealand's Ministry of Transportation does not believe in roads that cut through the landscape, opting instead to flow over and with the countryside. This means everything takes longer to get through but you don't care because the road is bendy and beautiful the whole time.
Angela has sampled some of the local wines (yes dad, we are keeping notes and there will be a full report) and says they are all very good. We've been going out of our way to be sure to buy almost exclusively New Zealand-grown and made food, and so far all of it is excellent. Such good stuff.
We visited Sheepworld (of course), Devonport, Rotorua, and a bunch more places too numerous to name. We pass sheep constanly grazing on the side of the road, and open field cattle too (Matt, we moo at them and think of you). I've been journaling and have pages and pages and pages filled.
Ok, I'm going to wrap this up. Merry Christmas, Happy Boxing Day, and Happy New Years to all. Think in metric for us. We aren't dead! Yay!

Dear America, (A To Do List While I'm Away)

2010-12-17T12:23:00.001-08:00

Dear America,

-Could you please get rid of Don't Ask, Don't Tell? I'm tired of reading about it in the papers, tried of people trying desperately to justify how it might hurt our fighting ability, and tired of the defenders of the Land of the Free not actually being, you know, FREE. (Really, you should get over yourselves and let the gays marry already too. I'm looking at you, Hawaii. This is bullshit.)
-Could you also please pass the 9/11 First Responders Bill? It's disgusting that it hasn't happened yet. These people are sick and dying and not getting any help and you are bickering about tax cuts for the upper 1%. Which reminds me...
-Fuck the Rich. Fuck them in their stupid asses. They should be paying more taxes. These rich, white mutherfuckers do not need the Bush era tax cuts. I realize I'm behind the eight ball on this because the Dems already pussyed up, but still.
-Get rid of the Jersery Shore people's fame. Their fifteen minutes has to be up by now, why haven't they gone away? Why is one of them, The DoucheNozzle I think he's called, on the cover of Men's Fitness? This is insulting for all of us.
-Stop. Making. 3D. Movies. Just stop it. I blame James Cameron for bringing it back, and it was pretty cool in Avatar, I have to admit. But it's over now. It's been over for six months. When I get back I don't want to be offered $15 glasses so I can leave the movie with vertigo and a headache.
-The Palin should be eaten by a bear and her crew should catch it on film and the 24 hour news networks should loop it at least until my plane lands. That's not so much a To Do as it is a Christmas wish, but it belongs on the list.
-This one is for the parents. Parents, Holiday break does not mean its time for your kids to not read, write, or do math for three weeks. Their brains are little Etch-A-Sketches right now and if they shake too hard all the things we've been trying to draw will go away. Get the child a book for Christmas and watch them read it. Then ask them real questions about it. Make them do running totals in the supermarket. Anything to keep those little brains off life support.
-Don't go see the new Fockers movie. It only encourages them to make movies based solely on how the title will read on the poster.
-Leave Mike Vick alone. He went to jail for his crime, get off his back. There are plenty of potential felons actively playing today to jump on. Here's hoping he makes it deep enough into the playoffs to be torpedoed by Andy Reid's horrible decision making. And while we're on the subject of the NFL, stop carrying on about it being a "man's sport" and how the guys are "gladiators." Fuck that. Where are the lions on the field then? That'll screw up Brady's pass protection. The NFL should stop talking about an 18 game regular season and stop giving lip service to helmet to helmet hits and concussions. NFL Cares needs to be a real thing. Also, while I'm gone I'd like at least one Sure Thing to fall completely apart. And I'd like the Favre to announce his retirement, then have his leg cut off by his riding tractor after he falls beneath it while fainting from the shock of Jen Sterger serving him with a lawsuit.
-I'd like Phillies fans to crow just a little bit louder about their pitching line-up because that will make them losing in the first or second round all the sweeter.
-At least two good bands should book shows on Oahu for the coming year. Someone I care about and who isn't so old my parents could have gone to see them when they were my age.
-And a small part of me would be really amused if Facebook completely crashed after we spent the entire year worshiping Zuckerberg. So, even though I enjoy the Facebook, that would be neat.
Ok, America. I realize there are a lot of things on this list that you need to get done and you only have three weeks to do them, but I believe you can. This is a lot of responsibility I'm leaving with you while I'm away. New Zealand is going to be asking about you and I'm going to tell them about all the wonderful things you're getting done without my supervision.

Love and Kisses,
Dirtbag

P.S. Really, DADT and the 9/11 Bill would be a great start. And the Palin/bear thing. Thanks.

Let Down at the Airport

2010-11-30T16:16:00.001-08:00

I flew from Honolulu to Seattle and back this Thanksgiving break, next week I'll be flying to Dallas, and two weeks after that I'll be flying to New Zealand. Lets just say HNL and I are going to become very close this holiday season.
Also happening this holiday season is the fake uproar over the new security measures TSA is implementing all over the country. Everywhere grown people are getting to act like children because the government is trying to keep them safe. "You want to scan me? HELL NO! What? Then you're going to frisk me? How dare you! By the way, what are you doing to keep my plane safe?" The whole thing is much ado about nothing as far as I'm concerned. We like to complain, TSA has a lousy customer service record, and those who complain loudest get the most air time. Perfect storm of lazy news coverage. The truth? Those opt-out protests, much like the Don't Buy Gas on X Day fake protests, didn't happen. No person with a plane ticket in their pocket is going to make it more difficult for themselves than it already is to get from where they are to where they want to be. The brief fame of the, "I'll have you arrested," dummy has faded and we are accepting this change as we have accepted so many before. You have a choice: get scanned or searched OR don't fly. Which plane you getting on? The one where everyone got searched or the one with 400 unsearched, unscanned flyers on it?
I, for one, was excited about the prospect of being scanned and/or patted down. This is science fiction, folks! This is that scene in Total Recall when Ah-nold goes running through the scanner at the airport (spaceport?) and we see his skeleton with the gun! We don't have flying cars, lightsabers, or transporters, but we have body scanners. That's close enough to being in the future for me. And I should be worried that some guy in a room somewhere is looking at a unclear scan of me that kind of shows me without any clothes on? Oh no! Quick, where's my lead Under Roos? That'll teach those perverts who obviously signed up to be airport security on the off chance they might get to check out digital renderings of random people. Think about the last time you were at the airport (or anywhere public in America). How many of those people would you want to see naked? Right.
As for being patted down, who cares? I'm fit and I have negative personal space (I'm not comfortable unless I'm invading your space). Feel me up. Its going to take four seconds and I'd rather a good, thorough job be done than a half-assed, "Missed the knife, dumbass" job. So get up in there. What sucks more, really? That I have to stand there for an enhanced pat down for four seconds or that this poor schmuck who just signed up for a minimum wage gig was told in a staff meeting two weeks ago that his six hour shift will be spent touching the junk of every other fat ass coming through the airport? His job blows. Shoulda finished that GED, bro.
But did I get any of that? No! I had to take off my boots, throw my belt in the plastic basket, and walk through the old metal detector like this was August 2001! WTF? I finally did get scanned in SeaTac on the way home and it was faster, easier, and so anti-climactic I almost asked for my money back. I didn't feel microwaved and am patiently waiting for my radiation-induced superpowers. Now if I can just figure out a way to get felt up next time...

Awesome Chilean Miner Story

2010-10-15T00:02:00.001-07:00

Read this story in the paper today about one of the miners:
It seems that along with all the other families were getting together to prepare to greet the miners as they were brought up, one guy's wife came.
So did his girlfriend.
They met.
By the time the guy reached the surface his wife was gone, but the girlfriend was still there.
Personally, if I was that guy and I found out that was happening I would have asked to stay down, just to keep an eye on the hole.

Blog You All Must Read

2010-09-16T17:24:00.000-07:00

I've never done this before but I just found it and it's awesome and everyone needs to go immediately here, after reading whatever nonsense I've posted for the day, and laugh.
Again, go HERE. And then laugh and laugh and laugh.

Americana For Me

2010-09-11T01:55:00.000-07:00

Today at my school we held Patriot's Day. Every year I've been at my school, on the school day closest to 9/11, we hold an assembly where we invite any and all parents who serve in the military to come and be honored with their children. Now, I'm going to be completely honest. I'm not and have never been a huge Go America, Rah Rah Rah person. The knee-jerk patriotism of the last administration felt very contrived and forced for me. That being said, I can't complain or come down on something that is for troops. Especially troop who are my kids parents. I really like the idea of this day.
The assembly is held around our flagpole. We sing patriotic songs, have speakers, and wave little paper flags the kids cut out and colored. And are surrounded by men and women in uniform. Afterwards we go back to class and they get to hang out for a nice brunch.
But I don't want to write about all that. I just want to give a snapshot of a moment that touched me. Please indulge.

Picture this: 900 students, pre-kindergarten through sixth grade, gathered in a semi-orderly oval around a flagpole. Scattered throughout are uniformed parents who have choosen to stand with their child rather than have their child come to them outside the circle. In the front two kinders sword fight with their flags until the scary man teacher growls at them to knock it off. The color guard raises the flag and every uniform snaps to salute. Over the speakers, "Proud to be an American" starts. The students have been practicing the song and start to sing along. One of my students, a little girl, stands proudly next to her father. He is in camo fatigues, kneeling next to her. She put her arm around him, resting her hand on his shoulder. While she looks up at the flag and sings, he looks up at her with a small smile on his face.

New Blog Update

2010-08-06T01:17:00.000-07:00

Just a quick update: I've started a new blog called Dirtbag Fitness where I'll be talking more about training and progress for my various athletic endeavors. This one is still active and I'll still be getting up on my soapbox to complain, crow, vent, write, or be silly as semi-regularly as I have been.
And on that note: Go judge in CA! Loved the ruling, loved the way you worded it. Hell yeah. I redirect your attention to my Open Letter to Social Conservatives. Told ya so. Hope it sticks this time.

Something Goofy

2010-07-26T20:51:00.000-07:00

I was walking down the street when a gerbil leaned out of his car and waved me over. Naturally, I wanted to know what he had to say. My mistake! It was a she, and she wanted to know if I had any plans that night. I did, I was meeting my pet Jujube for dinner and a massage, and I told Ms. Gerbil so. Well she didn't take this very well at all and drove off in a huff. This was strange for two reasons: one, we had just met so why would she be so mad at me and two, she have driven off in a huff when she drove up in a car. Very odd.
Anyway, I kept right on hopping, bopping, popping, stopping, shopping, and mopping along down the road. Not too far after that I was accosted again, this time by an albino monk seal wearing the most fantastic hat I have ever seen. I would try to describe it to you, but I would not be able to do it justice. Also, don't try to imagine it because there is no way your imagination could match the awesome that was Mr. Toadstool's headwear. Mr. Toadstool, that was the albino monk seal's name, asked me if I had the time. I wondered the time for what and asked. He shook his head, his whole neck really (which you would know if you've ever had the pleasure of watching a monk seal indicate the negative), and restated his question by asking me if I knew what time it was. I did. He was sad I did for if I hadn't he would have been able to show off the brand-spanking new (how is something brand-spanked exactly) he had strapped to his flipper. I apologized, of course and told him that if he would like he could restate his query once more and I would answer in a fashion more appropriate for his needs. He sighed that it was too late and the moment had passed and then flip-flopped his way down a nearby alley. This was sad really as I have never seen a watch strapped to a flipper and now I suppose I never will.
Just then the demon in my pocket began to clamor for my attention. I had been ignoring it all day on account of this quite annoying bill collector who had been trying to contact me. I swear, miss two or three payments on your hydropyrodynamic insulating blue lettuce aggregateor and they just won't leave you alone. Rather than answer I pulled the demon from my pocket and flicked him squarely and firmly on his not unsubstantial nose. This, as you could expect, angered my little red friend and he began waving his hands all over preparing some demoniacally evil spell which he cast in my general direction. Having a demonic spell cast at you is somewhat disconcerting, you would think. And you would be right most of the time. But not this time. This time you would be dead wrong. Because my demon, along with being such a small fellow, is also not very good at his devil-making ways. That's why he was demoted (or demon-moted as he likes to quip) to pocket demon. So his spell bounced harmlessly off a button on my shirt, turning it into a small flower. He managed to look pleased with himself. After all, how easy would it be for me to button and unbutton (flower and unflower) my shirt now. He had caused a Grand Inconvenience.
I choose to ignore the flowering of my shirt button and returned him to my pocket where he could rant and rage to his black heart's content. It was then that I noticed an unattended two-wheeled conveyance on the side of the road. Looking left and right, north and south, up and down, left and right again (you can never be too careful), I stole away on it. It had been quite a day and nothing lighted a day up like a little mischief. I couldn't think of any mischief which is why I instead settled on theft.
As always happens, as soon as I'd committed theft-in-place-of-mischief mischief sprang to mind. There, right in front of me, was old Mr. SillyFingersMcGeestien. He was always so mean to me and Jujube (my pet, if you remember)! Once he even chased us down and hung us by our littlest toes while he played “It's a Small World After All” on the saw over and over and over and over and over and over again. I can't even remember now what we had done to deserve such harsh treatment. Oh wait, maybe it was because we painted the windows of his house black and then set his cabbage on fire. Or maybe it was because we danced on his rooftop in high-heeled Beatle boots all night long the day after his prized petunias had mysteriously dissapeared. (That wasn't us, we don't do dissapearing petunias. I have it on good authority that it was Grande the Greek Geek that did the dissapearing. We paid him to.)
Anyway, mean old Mr. SillyFingersMcGeestien was in my sights. I prepared myself for serious mischief levels and, as I passed him, shouted out that his parents never loved him and he was adopted and his sister would never return his phone calls. All of these things were true, which I knew from opening his mail, and I felt quite smug about my total burn.
Unfortunately, my total burning of Mr. SillyFingersMcGeestien distracted me from my piloting of my bi-wheeled method of transportation. It wasn't until I turned back to facing the front, which happened to be the direction I was headed since these things are no good for going frontwards sideways, that I saw I was headed directly towards a Cream Cheese Hole! Now, since you are a learned person, as I expect you are, I don't need to describe the appearance of a Cream Cheese Hole nor do I have to describe what fate awaited me upon impact. This is quite nice as describing these things would put back into the mindset I was in at that time and that is nearly almost quite as bad as being there the first time, which I also was and wouldn't want to be again.
Needless to say, I didn't make my date with Jujube that night and spent several days wandering the far reaches of the cosmos in search of a wet nap and fourteen oddly-shaped rocks. Sometimes it's just not worth leaving the Batcave.

Why I Collect (or How I Judge the People I Meet)

2010-07-12T17:26:00.000-07:00

A few days ago I happened upon the new Rush documentary, Beyond the Lighted Stage. I found out about it earlier this summer and my inner (and outer) music nerd lept for joy. It's not a filmed concert, it's an actual documentary about the history of Canada's greatest export! I need this dvd, right? I need it. Must have. After all, it's not like if I waited a month it would be out on Netflix and I could queue it up and watch it. Oh, wait...But Netflix makes me send it back. If I own it I could watch it whenever I want. That's what's important. It can be on my time. After all, a person could watch a documentary dozens of times, right? Actually, I could. Especially one about Rush. So I bought it. I took it home, unwrapped it, read the liner notes, and carefully put it on the shelf with my other music-related dvds. That's where it goes. Near every spoken word dvd Henry Rollins has ever released, next to Slayer's concert film, just to the side of my Dream Theater live double disc dvd, and, well you get the idea. It certainly wouldn't go up by the science fiction section, or the Ah-nold section, or the Kevin Smith section. It goes with music. Duh. All the music-related dvds I've bought and watched, er, dozens of times over the years.

* sigh *

Why do I own these things? Why can't I leave a book store without at least one paperback under my arm? How come music stores seem to have a hypnotic power over me, making me sure to accidently find the album that I kinda was thinking about maybe checking out someday and look it's even a decent price ok I'll buy it? Do I need these things? I know I don't need-need them, not in the food, water, shelter kind of way. But in the happy to own them way I do. Books are the killer. Libraries abound. They are free. I could go in, find a book or three, take them home, read them, and then return them. I used to do just that all the time. Before I had a job. But I don't want to take them back. I want to have them.

I'll let you in on a little secret: I've always wanted to have a room in my house that was a massive library. One room, wall-to-wall book shelves stuffed with books. Tall, like you need a ladder to get to the top few shelves tall. With a few big comfortable chairs to curl up in. Perfect. And I need a lot of books to fill this imaginary room that only exists in my head because I'm a teacher and will never make enough money to actually have a house like that. And it would be cool to have a similar music/movie room as well.

This summer I moved a bunch of stuff from California, where my parents had been storing it for three years, to Hawaii. I should be more specific. I moved my collections of music, movies, and the rest of my books to Hawaii. Why? 1) Because I want them near me in case I want to read/listen to/watch them, even though I don't know if I will. I am one of those people that goes, “Oh, I read this book seven hundred years ago and I own it and I think that I'd like to read it again right now.” So...there you go. Pairing the stacks down was hard. And 2) So that when I move away I can put all these things back into a different box and pay for them to go back to the mainland. And so that we can go buy more bookshelves on which to display them.

I think that last sentence really gets to the crux of this whole issue. I try to shed as much of my inner bullshit as possible, which takes a lot of asking myself the all important Why and trying to give a real answer. And that's the answer I came up with. I like having them on display. My ego gets a huge kick out of showing off these things. It says, “Look! Look at my superior taste. Gaze upon these books which I have read which you have not read. Gasp in wonder at the rare and highly important bands which I listen to. Look at my films and understand what a deep person I am.” And I know that my ego is full of shit. But I can't help it.

But I understand now why I do it.

It's how I judge you.

When I go to a new person's house I do three things. First I will scan for your bookshelf. I will then make my way towards it and evaluate you based on its contents. Do we have things in common? Do you have Azimov, Heinlein, Moore? Can I see any Clarke or Gladwell? Perhaps some King or even Rowling? Any Rollins or Shakespeare? This part is normally easy. Most people have bookshelves out where they can be seen and easily gotten to. Hopefully they have more than one. With the advent of the e-reader judging people like this might eventually get more tricky, but I'm not worried. People won't get rid of most of their books. You can learn a lot about a person from their personal library. At least, I hope you can.

Next, I'll try to find your music collection. This is becoming harder and harder. If you still cling to CDs, as I do, I will thumb through them, looking for Aerosmith, Metallica, Kings X. God help you if I can't find any Beatles. How extreme, how varied, is your taste? But now many people have gone digital. Getting someone to let me look at their iTunes account is trickier and sneeking a look at it seems more openly invasive, like a scene from a Ben Stiller movie where things just get worse and worse and worse and worse until you leave the theater because god that kind of comedy really isn't funny sometimes.

Lastly (normally), I find your movies. You must own at least one Star Trek movie, don't you? Do we have similar tastes in film? Any Kevin Smith? What actors do you seem to favor? Any director that keeps popping up? What's your sense of humor, Bill Murry or Judd Apatow? Do you have any documentaries or concerts on display? Are you an indy nerd?

And recent;y I've gotten in to video games so if I see you have a system, I'll judge you on the games you play too.

Let me be clear: I am under no illusions that this works, that I can really learn anything important about anyone by looking at their various media. But it gives a pretty good surface look, doesn't it? Lets me know if our tastes are similar. When there's a lull in conversation can I fill it with a Spinal Tap quote?

And that's why I like having my stuff out, why I like buying stuff. I assume, in my ego and self-centeredness, that everyone else does the same petty shit I do.

My toys are my way of saying, This is my basic me, this is the Me I want to expose to the world first. So I go out and spend money, knowing full well that it's silly. But hey, it could be worse. I could judge you, and want you to judge me, on the looks, sexual orientation, occupation, or religion.

See, now judgment based on books, movies, and music doesn't seem so bad.

QueerFear: An Open Letter to Social Conservatives

2010-06-22T01:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Frightened Ones,

I know why you're afraid. I do. And I'm here to tell you that we all want you to let go of your fear. Sometimes you need to accept that which you cannot change. And this you cannot change: The gays will marry. It will happen in my (and probably your) lifetime. You can try to fight it all you want. You can vote it down. But it won't die. It can't. Because the war for gay rights is all but over and you've lost.

You can feel it, can't you? That the world has moved on. That your children, or maybe your younger friends, your coworkers, the people you go to (gasp) church with, are ok with the gays and their insidious plot to live together in love and harmony. That soon, sooner than you think, enough of you will die off or see the light and then this whole silly argument will finally end.

Don't believe me? Doubt the truth of my words? Find a free black person (I think there's one in that big house on Pennsylvania Ave you could talk to.) . Ask a woman the last time she voted. Social change is always against the will of the majority...at first. But the majority is often old. And soon the old are overtaken by the young, who grew up without the prejudices of their elders. Or saw those prejudices and questioned them. Watch a teacher try to explain why integration was so difficult to a group of eight year-olds. It blows their little minds. They don't get it. Soon it will be the same with you. “Wait, Mr. Robertson. You're saying that people didn't want other people to get married because they were the same gender? That's crazy. My uncle is gay and we love his husband. They come over on Christmas.” It will happen.

You are dinosaurs, but you can feel the meteor coming. Oh, not all of you will be wiped out. Like alligators, there will be remains, few in numbers, snapping angrily at the mammals that are happily, gayly, dancing beyond your jaws.

So vote against gay marriage, civil unions, human rights. Veto it, protest it, wave your little signs and shout your silly slogans. Panic about “What will the children think!?!” and promise divine retribution upon those sinners who dare question your personal interpretation of whichever Book you believe in. Raise a stink and break a sweat. It gives the rest of us something to laugh at over morning coffee.

But it's already over. And you've lost. America is gay friendly. The Gay is spreading. It's on TV, in Oscar-winning movies, and in your CD player. Give it a decade, probably less, and there will be openly gay athletes in each of America's pastimes. They are already playing. You watch them and cheer for them. Soon one of them will speak out for gay marriage. And a little more of your base will crumble.

You will have a gay child, or a friend will. One way or another you'll be forced to see them as more than GAY. Against your will you'll begin to see them as HUMAN. And as that happens, as it continues to happen, you will see that the fight has been long over.

Or you'll stay angry and fearful as you get older, becoming more and more irrelevant. You'll rail feebly from your chair against the damn queers who ruined your country until you finally fade away. I don't expect you to wave the white flag and yield. That's not your style. I'd just rather you put on a white sheet and a pointy hood so it's easier to pick you out in a crowd. Until you and your kind become relics, fossils, and school children have a hard time believing you ever existed.

So please stop fighting it. Come into the light. It's nicer over here. And better decorated.

Love and Kisses,

The Land of the Free

Portland

2010-06-13T17:52:00.000-07:00

Short blog today since I haven't written in forever and feel the need.
I'm going to skip past most of the Doug and Angela Wedding World Tour 2010 thus far, only saying that we left the day after school let out at 4am and haven't had much time off since until today. Whirlwind trip to Central and Southern California, both were fun, both needed more time. Planes, trains, and automobiles later we are now in Seattle and still just as busy. Which brings me to last weekend.
We had been planning on doing something this weekend, but plans were constantly evolving due to an inability to plan ahead and a broken father-in-law. After many drafts we decided to pack Stitches' sister into the rental and take the drive down to Portland, OR. Twofold reason: One, I've never been and Stitches has only been once briefly. Two, Brother Mike and his family moved to the area six months ago and it was a perfect chance to see them. Motel 6 was kind enough to leave the light on for us and down we went.
We left Seattle around 9:30am and arrived at our digs at 1:30pm or so. Traffic was easy until the bridge at the border (which I swam across, being part Mexican and all). Then we reoriented using maps, cell phone GPS, carrier pigeons, and blind guessing and found our way towards the MAX rail station nearest to us. Portland, you see, has an excellent public transport system. Light rail going in and out of town on a real regular schedule, and an all-zone all-day pass only $4.50 can't be beat. Better than driving around a city we don't know hoping to stumble into a parking garage that won't rob us.
We were into town by three, getting off the rail one stop before we planned on. Why, you ask. Simple, we looked out the window and saw a toy store and, as a group, shouted, "Toy Store!" and rushed for the door. It was fun. As has been my habit this trip I immediately located a sword (technically a light saber)and began threatening inanimate objects. I also found a pirate hat, becoming the dreaded Pirate Jedi, who's awesomeness is only trumped by the feared and extremely rare Ninja Jedi. Stitches bought me shark tattoos. Because I don't have enough of those already.
Once we tired of the shenanigans in the toy store we walked to Pioneer Square, which is where we were planning on getting off the rail anyway. It was close. We were hungry, having not eaten real food all day (contrary to popular belief Cheese-Its are not real food) and to what did our wandering eyes did appear? Street Meat! I first discovered this when I went to New York and now get it whenever I get a chance. A hot dog from some guy's cart on the side of the road? Yes please. We both got brats with sauerkraut, yum yum. Then it was off on an adventure. City hiking!
First stop? Chocolatier. Of course. Mmm, you want five dollars for a Kiss-sized piece of chocolate shaped like a mouse? Nice try. But they are neat looking. Then we went into a space shop that was pretty neat. I was attracted to a blend called Pirate's Bite. As soon as I picked it up the very very skinny lady behind the counter proudly assured me that it was the hottest thing they could make in the store. It is a devilish combination of peppers and other spice-like things. It made my tongue hurted. It tasted like burning. So I bought some for Kev.
Stitches' sister wanted to check out a consignment store for new boots, her's were talking, and Stitches used the magic of smart phone to find one. While she went in we saw a used book store across the street. We like used book stores. Oh, if we had only known. This is Powell's. It was not a small store. It was, in fact, the most wonderful place I've ever been in. Four stories. The size of a city block. You need a map and you will still get lost. And you won't care. I want to live inside the store. I quivered and made happy noises for an hour. It was wonderful. I went reverently into their rare books room. There I saw a first edition, second printing of Mark Twain's first novel, The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County for $2800. Squee! I held a $300 leather bound copy of Capote's Other Voices, Other Rooms. It was autographed. I made a happy noise when I saw that. I love this store.
The rest of the day was more of the same. The next day we met up with Mike, Terra, and their two and a half year-old Kai while Stitches was having Farmer's Market envy fits. She wanted to buy so many things. I see her spending money every weekend there if we lived there, loading us up on fresh veggies and whatnot. It was great to see them and we wandered the market and then down to the Arts and Crafts fair on the waterfront. That was neat, but we just wandered through without looking to closely. How we going to get anything home? But it got hot, which we weren't expecting. So I took off my shirt (it's not a trip unless I take of my shirt in public. Ask anyone.), divested myself of my bandanna and went for a run through the water squirting fountain flush with the sidewalk among children and parents cooling off. I squelched through the rest of the day but it was so worth it.
And here's one of the other things I really liked about Portland: the freaks. Hawaii does not have really freaky people. But the tattooed, dread-locked, hair-dyed, eccentrically dressed masses are out in force. I love that. I miss that. Weird people are so much fun. It means there is a strong music scene, and a strong indy scene, and just a strong freak scene. This makes places more interesting.
But the thing I took away from Portland more than anything else was how shocked I was at how much I enjoyed Portland. I did not expect to have as good a time there as I did. I can't wait to go back. It was surprising in the extreme. The people, the place is so clean, the public transportation is efficient...I really dug it. Blows me away.
(I said short at the outset. Was this short? I can never tell.)

Why's He Always Callin' Me Meat?

2010-04-14T01:48:00.000-07:00

The United States and Russia are in the midst of a nuclear arms deal that should result in both sides reducing the number of nukes they/we keep armed and ready. It's called the New Start pact and it's for the most part a response to Iran's program. Obama and Russian president Dmitri Medvedev choose to ignore some of the other problems each country has with the other and focus on the need of both to back up their talk about arms control.

This is undeniably a good thing. Taken from a recent article, here is the gist of the treaty:

“...each side within seven years would be barred from deploying more than 1,550 strategic warheads or 700 launchers. Because of counting rules and past reductions, neither side would have to eliminate large numbers of weapons to meet the new limits. But the treaty re-establishes an inspection regime that lapsed in December and could serve as a foundation for deeper reductions later.”

If the United States and Russia can work towards backing down our nuclear arsenals, that means that we are further along the back to being truly civilized and safe. Safe? you ask. Yes, safe.

From what I can find, current treaties allow for 2,200 warheads. And I looked and looked for a specific number, or good estimate, of how many warheads it would take to destroy the planet, or at least destroy enough of it that none of us would really care about the question any more, and couldn't find a good answer. Google failed me. Some numbers went between one hundred and one thousand, and one website, who took it very literally and did all the math said just over one million two hundred thousand.

Either way, the real answer to the previous question, “How many nukes will it take?” is very simple.

One.

One nuke launched from any country towards any other country will precipitate a nuclear war. There is no denying this. If Russia, Pakistan, or anyone else decided they needed to make us glow in the dark, we would respond in kind. It would seem the only course of action. We must retaliate. Of course, we would then launch ours, someone else would get spooked and launch theirs and, well, the survivors get to find out which movie/video game got the post-holocaust look just right.

As a living person, this is unacceptable. I personally don't think the United States will ever again launch an attack on another country using a weapon of mass destruction (FYI: I broke a finger not making a 'frat boy cowboy' or 'gun-totin' Alaskan bimbo' joke here). Japan taught us enough about the power of those bombs, and I think it taught the rest of the world as well. You only have to act crazy, or desperate, like that once before people start believing the hype. And we aren't going to get into whether or not dropping those bombs was necessary at all. But, if we take what I believe to be true, that we will never again attack another country through nuclear means, then that means all those warheads, those 2,200+ warheads, are reactive. I say reactive because I think defensive would be a misnomer. They wouldn't be defending anything. They would be fighting back. It's not a block, its a punch.

So, assuming I've assumed correctly and we are slightly closer to civilized than we were in 1945, we have 2,200+ nuclear weapons waiting in case someone else attacks us so that we can attack them back. Does that seem a little extreme to anyone else? I've no doubt that's plenty enough to get the job done, not including what would be flying towards us.

The best way to deal with issues like this is to ignore it. What does it matter if I worry about this or not? And, really, it doesn't. But I think we should consider it. Why do we have such a massive stockpile of these super-heavy weapons? I may be a white-flag waving, lilly-livered, peacenik, civilian, but I just don't understand. What does it prove? That we're scary? Pretty sure everyone knows that already. We have the big guns, but we don't want to use them. Because we know, like Dr. Seuss teaches us in the Butter Battle Book, the other side has some pretty nasty shit too.

I shall now take a deep breath and step over the abyss I've been inching towards for 10 paragraphs. Why not get rid of all our nuclear weapons? Lay them all down. Make it public. Put it on CSPAN, BBC, Al Jazeera, and Youtube. Come one, come all. Watch the United States, the most powerful military on the planet, take its biggest weapon off of the table for good. Because we have decided, as a world leader, that we will never find the need to use one of these monsters. We will lead by example. We don't want you to have nukes, we don't want you to be afraid of our nukes and therefor stockpile your own, so we are removing the fear-inducing element.

Follow-up/fear questions:

Does this leave us helpless? I should hope not. I would venture to guess we have plenty of other assorted nastiness scattered about that losing our most destructive weapon would not equal neutering our armed forces. We've managed pretty well since 1945 without pushing and red buttons. The threat of that red button would be gone, however, leading us to question/fear number two. What's to stop someone who still has a nuclear bomb from attacking us now that we have none? The same this that's stopping them now: Nothing. In this day and age, when India and Pakistan are packing radioactive heat, the United States no longer has the biggest stick. We just have more sticks. They don't attack for the same reason we don't. Namely: nobody wants that. Except maybe fear/question number three: Terrorists. The concern that a terrorist organization gets a hold of a nuclear weapon and detonates it within American borders. But what if they do? Terrorists are not state-sponsored and nuclear weapons are notorious for their lack of precision and subtlety. We gonna drop a nuke on a cave in the desert? Or would we send in some SEALS to bring us back heads?

I realize this is Fantasyland thinking. I don't know when, if ever, we as a country, as a planet, as a species, will be secure enough with ourselves to let our more extreme forms of doom-bringing fall by the wayside. I do think that Obama and Medvedev have taken a strong first step in the right direction. Here's hoping the next leaders keep taking the next steps.

Sources:

(I used the all knowing Google and tried to pick the reliable websites with no peer-editing.)

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/09/world/europe/09prexy.html

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/jul/06/obama-russia-nuclear-medvedev

http://www.gizmodo.com.au/2009/08/how-many-nukes-will-it-really-take-to-instantly-annihilate-humanity/

Metal Group Names By 3rd Graders

2010-04-13T12:24:00.000-07:00

I love letting my kids come up with their own group names. I want to steal them and use them for bands and/or tag teams. My favorite three:

Unknown Dynamite

Officially Awesome

Black Lightning

Oh yeah, and a group of funny brown-noses called themselves "Mr. Robertson Rox". That's right, with an x.

And the We-Just-Picked-Three-Words-At-Random winners are... Ninja Star Puppies. Which is still a better name than Coldplay.

Don't make me...

2010-04-10T00:37:00.000-07:00

Today I was at Shakey's Pizza with some teachers after school. I wandered into the arcade section behind one of their children and what to my wondering eyes does appear? Guitar Hero: Arcade Edition. Come on, kids! Pay a buck a song to play a game you have at home! You know you want to.

Anyway, I was watching some fat 11 year-old asian kid play Foghat and rocking out behind him. (It's a great song. "Slow Ride! Take it easy!") He noticed me after he finished the song and turned to me. "Hey, you want challenge me?"

I said, "Sorry man, no cash." Which was true. But on the inside I went, "Pffffft. I would so smoke your chubby ass on that game. Don't make me go ask my wife for a dollar."

What Did You Say?

2010-03-31T18:16:00.000-07:00

I'm walking around my classroom today, watching my kids do quiet work, when I hear whisper-yelling from the front of the room. One kid insistently, commandingly whispering at another.

"Suck it! Suck it! Suck it!'

I had to pause for a second to be sure I heard was I was hearing.

"It'll feel better if you suck it!"

Is he? No. Nah. He wouldn't tell another kid to..."Child. What did you say to him?"

The child looks at me. "I'm telling him to suck on it. He's got a paper cut on his hand and it'll feel better if he sucks on it, you know?"

...

"Oh. Yeah. Ok."

The Quote on The Day

2010-03-24T12:54:00.000-07:00

"By the power vested in me by the state of Hawaii, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride."
-Rev. Mark "Too Good" Toguchi
3/20/10

1 Quote in 1 Day

2010-03-19T13:03:00.000-07:00

1) "I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad / Carry you around when your arthritis is bad / All I wanna do is grow old with you. / I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches / build you a fire if the furnace breaks / Oh it could be so nice, growin old with you. / I'll miss you, kiss you, give you my coat when you are cold. / Need you, feed you, I'll even let you hold the remote control. / So let me do the dishes in the kitchen sink / Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink. / Oh I could be the man to grow old with you. / I wanna grow old with you."
-The Wedding Singer

Adam Sandler owns the top spot of the wedding countdown? Hell yeah, this song is the romantic. On a slightly more important note: One More Day! Tomorrow at this time I will be married! Eep.

2 Quotes in 2 Days

2010-03-18T12:32:00.000-07:00

2) "...But I've got my country's 500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder, and Guilder to frame for it. I'm swamped!"
-The Princess Bride

It's on the horizon. The final movie quote approaches. Yay.

3 Quotes in 3 Days

2010-03-17T13:44:00.000-07:00

3) "One dance, one look, one kiss, that's all we get, Albert. Just... one shot, to make the difference between happily ever after, and oh? he's just some guy I went to some thing with once."
-Hitch

Two different Kevin James movies in a row? Some people said it couldn't be done. Other said it shouldn't be done. But I done did it anyway! BAM! Can I go for three? (No, no, probably not. I don't think Paul Blart has a wedding thing in it. Really, Hitch was stretching it.)

4 Quotes in 4 Days

2010-03-16T11:50:00.000-07:00

4) "Now place the ring on his hand. A ring is like a circle, it goes on forever. It's not like a triangle, triangle have corners. It's like a circle."
-I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry

It's very soon. Which is good, because finding quotes is getting harder and harder.

5 Quotes in 5 Days

2010-03-15T12:21:00.001-07:00

5) "Rule #1: Never Leave a Fellow Crasher Behind."
-Wedding Crashers

Peter Graves died today. In his honor:

Tower voice: Flight 2-0-9er, you're cleared for takeoff.
Oveur: Roger!
Murdock: Huh?
Tower voice: L.A. departure frequency, 123 point 9er.
Oveur: Roger!
Murdock: Huh?
Victor Basta (navigator): Request vector, over.
Oveur: What?
Basta: Flight 2-0-9er cleared for vector 324.
Murdock: We have clearance, Clarence.
Oveur: Roger, Roger. What's our vector, Victor?
Tower voice: Tower's radio clearance, over!
Oveur: That's Clarence Oveur. Over.
Tower voice: Over.
Oveur: Roger.
Murdock: Huh?
Tower voice: Roger, over!
Murdock: What?
Oveur: Huh?
Basta: Who?

6 Quotes in 6 Days

2010-03-15T01:04:00.000-07:00

6) "This is a great idea. I'm glad you came around. You want to do some gambling and have some fun right away, or you just want to get married?"
-The Wedding Singer

I swear I didn't sucker you all here just to run off to Vegas. Really. ...but that would have been dead funny.

7 Quotes in 7 Days

2010-03-13T13:36:00.000-08:00

7) "Hildegard, what if Victor and I don't like each other?"
"Hmpf! As if that has anything to do with marriage. Do you suppose your father and I "like" each other?"
"Surely you must, a little."
"Of course not!"
-Corpse Bride

Soon people begin to arrive. Soon the curtain goes up on this circus.

8 Quotes in 8 Days

2010-03-12T18:07:00.000-08:00

8) FATHER: You're not going into a song while I'm here.
Now listen, lad. In twenty minutes you're getting married to a girl whose
father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.
HERBERT: B-- but I don't want land.
FATHER: Listen, Alice,--
HERBERT: Herbert.
FATHER: 'Erbert. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get.
HERBERT: But-- but I don't like her.
FATHER: Don't like her?! What's wrong with her?! She's beautiful. She's
rich. She's got huge... tracts o' land.
HERBERT: I know, but I want the-- the girl that I marry to have...
[music]
...a certain... special... something!
FATHER: Cut that out! Cut that out! Look, you're marrying Princess Lucky, so
you'd better get used to the idea!

-Monty Python and the Holy Grail

"What, the curtains?"

Geek of War

2010-03-12T17:55:00.000-08:00

God of War III comes out Tuesday. Ever since I completed I and II I've been jonesing for this one. They are amazingly smart, challenging, and fun games. Plus, this one is the first of the series built for PS3 (the first two were PS2 games which were later re-released on the PS3) and the programmers have gone all out to use every bit of the system's potential.

I went into Gamestop to pre-order the game this afternoon. I like Gamestop because they are all geeky and know everything about all the new games. It's like going into Guitar Center or a motorcycle shop. All these people do is sit around all day and talk about video games. Then they go home and play video games.

I wanted to have some fun in the store. Asking for things directly is boring. My job, as I see it, is to entertain this poor counter-slave. (By the way, I do this constantly in stores. My goal: They will go home and remember me. They will. They. Will.) So I walked up to the counter and the little girl back there asked what she can do for me.

"I seek vengeance upon the Gods."

She didn't blink, didn't hesitate. "God of War III comes out Tuesday but you can still preorder it. And we're having a midnight release so you can come back Monday at 11:30 and at midnight we'll give you the game."

I love people who justify my geekdom. Plus preordering there got me a special edition Phantom of Chaos skin. Then I went to 7-11 (on suggestion from the other nerd working the counter) and bought a Slurpee (which aren't as good as they were when we were 13), and with the code on the cup I can download another Kratos skin.

And yes, I think I'm going to end up at the midnight release. I may even cut Blades of Chaos out of cardboard and color them with crayons and wear my kilt.

Hehehe, my Blade of Chaos is all tingly.

9 Quotes in 9 Days

2010-03-11T19:28:00.001-08:00

9) "Robin, do you?"
"I do."
"Marian, do you?"
"I do."
"I now pronounce you man and..."
"I object!"
"Who asked?"
-Men in Tights

See that? Single digits.

10 Quotes in 10 Days

2010-03-10T20:54:00.000-08:00

10) "When I first saw him... I like his hair."
"You promised you'd be nice."
"No, I said I'd do my best. That's hardly a promise.
-Kill Bill Vol. 2

I forgot there was a wedding scene in this. I guess it's not really a wedding scene though. I'll let The Bride explain, "Now, the incident that happened at the Two Pines Wedding Chapel that put this whole gory story into motion, has since become legend. 'Massacre At Two Pines'. That's what the newspapers called it. The local TV news called it, 'The El Paso, Texas, Wedding Chapel Massacre'. How it happened, who was there, how many got killed and who killed them - changes depending on who's telling the story. In actual fact, the massacre didn't happen during a wedding at all. It was a wedding rehearsal."

11 Quotes in 11 Days

2010-03-09T17:42:00.000-08:00

11) "What makes you think she wants to marry you?"
"Oh, she doesn't. To be perfectly honest she doesn't like me."
-The Graduate

I think it's been a while since we've had some Mel or some Python. Maybe tomorrow.

12 Quotes in 12 Days

2010-03-08T21:30:00.000-08:00

12) "Are you really gay?"
"Hmm Hmm"
"Was there oh, ANY OTHER TIME YOU MIGHT OF TOLD ME THIS? I'm wearing a wedding dress, WHICH YOU PICKED OUT!"
-In and Out

Totally underrated movie. Really funny.

13 Quotes in 13 Days

2010-03-08T01:59:00.000-08:00

13)"I always knew I was never going to be a professional bull fighter, but that's not why I did it."
-Wedding Crashers

What's that? Move all day and manage t post a quote from my new place before midnight Hawaii time? Boo yah, grandma. Boo yah.

14 Quotes in 14 Days

2010-03-06T15:13:00.000-08:00

14) "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness Princess Vespa, daughter of King Roland going right past the altar, heading down the ramp and out the door!"
-Spaceballs

We seem to be approaching our Mel Brooks quota. Can she hold together?

15 Quotes in 15 Days

2010-03-05T11:48:00.000-08:00

15) "Did you ever think of marrying just for fun?"
"Marriage, fun? Fiddle-dee-dee. Fun for men you mean."
-Gone with the Wind

Frankly Scarlett, that kinda hurt my feelings. I gotta go somewhere quiet and think about what you said now.

16 Quotes in 16 Days

2010-03-04T10:31:00.000-08:00

16) "What is this, 1958? Give the little wife a blender?"
-Father of the Bride

That's two for Steve Martin, who is a genius. So many good parts to this movie, but lots of them are not short quotes, they are long, long, hilarious monologues and conversations. I may slip another in, I'm not sure yet.